I made a comment to a friend recently that either I have commitment issues or I date women that do. Maybe if I dated women that had commitment issues when I had them as well, then we would both get what we wanted, which is nothing. You can't make someone love you and vice-versa and timing becomes more of an issue the older you get. You can't give what you do not have and you can't depend on someone else to fill in what you are missing. If you are unhappy with yourself take the time to find it for yourself, within yourself. Unhappiness can be contagious since misery loves company. To vent is one thing but to project is another. It is easier to be pulled down than to lift someone up. A life preserver is designed for only one person. Relationships should be an open smooth concrete two-way highway not a rough dirt one lane winding mountain road.
There are so many variables when is comes to dating and the longer we are out there roaming, the heavier the baggage feels. It is like living in one place for a long time and it is not until you move that you realize how much useless stuff you have accumulated. You are lucky if you find someone that truly accepts you along with all of your faults. When you are with someone you must accept all that comes with them whether it is a child or a dog or an ex-husband or ex-wife. As well, it is always said you don't just date them but you date their family. That includes every trait or fault you inherit. I once heard someone say that in your current relationship you must deal with everything that the person they dated before you screwed up. To some degree I concur, since we are a product of our past. That includes insecurities and triggers of past sadness or happiness. Each previous relationship is like a car wreck whether a fender bender or your car was totaled. Otherwise, you would not have moved on. Most of the time we face our fears and climb back into a car and drive again. We might drive with more caution but we still do it. If you fall and hurt yourself do you never try to walk again? I always say it is like looking for your keys and finding them in the last place you looked. Why would you keep looking for them if you already found them? The grass is infinitely greener.
We all have scars but not all are visible. They remain for a reason and I believe it is to remind us that we survived. There is something endearing, triumphant and heroic about survivors. Those that overcome adversity have a strength that others do not possess. Prior to hardship most of us do not even know we have that in us since, it has not been utilized before. I have an attraction to those that have suffered yet risen from being a victim and take pride in being a survivor. Usually those people have a desire to share their stories so that others learn from their mistakes. After all, we can learn from others' mistakes so that we do not make the same. Some will argue that we must all make our own mistakes and I will not argue with that but we can also avoid some by learning from others. At the same time, I only think that we have regrets if we do not learn from those mistakes. I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately, we are often left with questions and not all questions can or must be answered. Sometimes we must find closure for ourselves and not depend on others to provide for us.
Change is difficult when we are not in control of it. So I always strive for minor changes, so that when those that come along that are out of my control I can be better prepared to deal with them. At the same time we each must remain responsible for our actions and understand that our actions affect those around us. Hopefully we learn to have the foresight to be respectful of those in our lives, especially the ones closest to us. What you put out there is what you get back. People respond to how you feel about yourself. If you respect yourself others will notice. Respect from others is earned and not handed out for free. It comes to those that are deserving of it. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. You do not need a mirror to know who you are. All it takes is time with yourself, not by yourself. It is empowering to possess the ability to stand on your own. Often we hide from ourselves in people and things around us. It is easy to be distracted to avoid dealing with some things but when we do face them we can confidence and self-worth.
We are born unbiased and non-judgmental. Unfortunately these are learned behaviors. It is often stated that we enter the world the same way we leave it and coming or going, we have nothing. In the end all we have is our relationships and experiences. Make sure those closest to you know how you feel about them. Do not take any relationship for granted. Make every word and action count. We have no idea how many lives we affect on a daily basis. Seize the day, savor the moment and revel in the possibilities. When you are gone, what is the one thing you want to be remembered for?
- Trey Mitchell
Doing It Better
It's easy to view dating with cynical goggles if you've recently gone through even a semi-ugly break-up, or maybe if you're on a string of going-nowhere-relationships. It doesn't mean you're negative by nature- it just means you're human. If you hate the other tenants in your apartment, that's probably not going to be different tomorrow. If you hate your job because it's just not exciting or going anywhere, chances are you're going to hate it for the next 52 Mondays. However, both of these scenarios have a big 'UNLESS' attached to them..."unless you take the stand and make the changes."
What changes can I make in my dating life? you might ask. Let's start with a list of all the things traditionally done poorly.
- We don't learn from past mistakes
- We look for the same people in the same places
- We break-up poorly
- We 'accept' back and forth and back and forth
- We settle.
- We don't give ourselves the space and the 'me' time.
Based on that list, let's brainstorm some quick solutions: Choose people who bring positive into your life. Stay committed to not meeting people in bars under noisy/cloudy conditions. Ensure long-term intentions/desires match. Stay firm with no back and forth break-up/back-togethers. Embrace past experiences as events that made you stronger and taught you something about yourself. Don't let initial attraction over-shadow red flags. Make sure your significant others are meeting all of your needs and not just most of them.
I could brain storm a novel on little nuances that have exponential impact...but you should really make your own list. Tailor the list to YOUR needs and YOUR goals.
Smarter dating can be a concept you invoke to make yourself happier in both the short-term and the long-term. You can start now. You can be smarter and do EVERYTHING BETTER. But most importantly, soak in this (from above): We don't give ourselves the space and the 'me' time. 'Me' time doesn't have to imply a recent break up. You could be exhausted from work. You could be spinning too many plates. You could be realizing that you're at a point where dating just isn't a huge priority. That honesty with yourself will pay some dividends. It's never, ever, ever a bad thing to occasionally step away from dating...if for nothing else, just to enjoy life. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your friends. Embrace the foundation around you, and THEN you can let someone special in to enjoy it with you.
Just be smarter...then you can do it better.
~Jake Slivensky
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