Sex by Number
We know men are promiscuous by nature. It’s part of the genetic makeup that originally helped men spread their seed. It was different for women, who had to go through having a baby and then nurturing it. Women are genetically programmed to want just one man to help raise their children.
Thus, the age old question always seems to arise at some point in most modern relationships: ‘How many partners have you had?’
So with this question in mind I researched to find the average number of sexual partners for men and women. The first statistic and most commonly found on the Internet states that the average number of sexual partners for men in USA is 11. Upon further research I found contradicting information.
A 2005 survey states the average number of sexual partners for women was 8.6. The average number for men was 31.9.
A 2007 survey states that 29 percent of American men report having 15 or more female sexual partners in a lifetime, while only 9 percent of women report having sex with 15 or more men.
In a 2008 survey 21 percent of the men and 15 percent of the women admitted they had lied and/or they had provided an inaccurate partner count.
So how can any of these surveys possibly reflect true average numbers?
At one point I actually found a calculator to tell you if you are over or under average in your respected sexual numbers: http://www.calculatorslive.com/Average-Number-Of-Sexual-Partners-Calculator.aspx
So do men lie to inflate their sexual reputations or do women lie to downplay their sexual experience?
A man may believe that he should have a lot of partners and may feel compelled to exaggerate. However, a woman, believing that she should have fewer partners, may minimize her past.
Women are said to rely more on enumeration and most often are able to list each of their past partners by name which typically leads to underestimating while men tend to be more vague which leads to exaggeration.
So with all of this in mind, does the number of sexual partners have any bearing on a current relationship?
In my opinion nothing good can come of this discussion. The past can cloud the future so why ruin a mostly sunny forecast?
It is the snowball effect. First you compare numbers, and then you open the door for more curiosity on every level. More and more questions come to mind and suddenly insecurities arise. The past may be the pathway that lead to where you are now but the now is more relevant to the future.
Sex is not a competition. You neither win nor lose with a higher or lower number of partners. It never worked out with anyone you were previously with or you would still be with them. Focus on the one you are with and develop, explore, experiment and revel in every moment. There is no point in missing what you already had when you might be missing out on what you have right now.
No matter what the number, if you count backwards you still reach number one. That is who you are with now and who doesn’t want to be number one!?
~TM
What's in a Number?
Let's pretend you're at day 180 of a relationship, and you're extremely happy. On that random night, you feel compelled to playfully ask 'the question'..."What's your number? No, not your digits- your number." Before those words are mumbled, I'd implore you to silently ask yourself a different question: What good can possibly come out of knowing??
Ultimately, I believe there is only 1 clause that gives the nod of approval for proceeding with 'the # question': If you could 150% guarantee yourself that NO MATTER WHAT THE NUMBER IS (5 vs 50 or 11 vs 89), and that you would never look at your partner differently...then I might reluctantly give a green flag. Since I'm not sure you could always keep that promise, I'm inclined to promote moving to a new inquiry- perhaps, favorite movies or where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Let's be honest- promiscuity, to some degree, is global. I don't care if you're male or female, college-aged or post 40, or even if youre white, black, red, brown, or purple- you've had moments of lost inhibitions and prolific intimacy....even if it exists in a world recently defined as Melrose Pub by a 23 y/o female: "I haven't been slutty, but I've been a total makeout whore lately."
We're all grown-ups here, regardless of how frequently we attend happy hour or how many nights we play kickball. We make our own choices. and then we have to live with them. If you found periods of comfort or fun in multiple partners during periods of singleness or summertime madness, you were entitled to do so. But if you don't want your partners to judge you on all your encounters, you hardly get to be judge and jury on someone else's. Which brings us back to 'knowing'. What good can come out of it? Is it piece of mind? is it a comfort issue? Does it make you feel as if you know your partner better? Could you live the rest of your life not knowing and be ok with it?
I can see certian arguments for a person's perorgative of knowing. For example, if sex is sacred in your dating life, and you can count your partners on 1 hand, I could see how your partners' sex life of the past is important. But couldn't you argue that about a person's entire past? Because in the end, you're not just talking about numbers- you're also talking about decisions. And many decisions are regretted. And many decisions also granted us lessons learned and made us better people. So if youre going to go digging up skeletons in the closet, you might want to make sure you dig up the whole story- or just keep some doors closed and locked....and enjoy the here and now.
I'm going to close by recalling the famous folk tale of Chasing Amy. A story which outlined an escalating relationship between Holden and Alyssa- until Holden found out about her past...and just couldn't handle it. Trey cited the moral of the story perfectly- focus on the 'here and now' with your partner, and work to create brand new exciting experiences.
~JS
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
What's in a Label?
Label Us This, Label Us That: The DTR Theory
Darwin aside, have you ever taken a few moments to examine the evolution of dating? Our grandparents generally married young—sometimes right out of high school. Sometimes right before a war. Our parents typically waited a couple years longer, possibly delayed by the hallucinogenic affects of the 60’s and 70’s. Then Generation X comes along…We are bold and diverse and labeled lazy…Technologically-driven by age 20…the fall of disco and the rise of dot-com…all of which contributes to a bit of self-instilled pride (referred to as arrogance by the Baby Boomers). Collectively, we decided that not only are we going to wait (on average) to settle down, but we’re also going to do one 1 of 2 things with our dating lives: 1). We do our best to cast a socially accepted, yet sometimes vague label on every single step of our relationship. OR, 2). We find ourself asking open-ended questions about every single step of our relationship.
Are we boyfriend-girlfriend? Are we ‘just’ dating? Are we exclusive? Are we allowed to see other people? I’m not sure if we’re committed… It’s been 3 months, what are we? I’m dating around. I want to take the next step, but I’m not sure if he’s ready…I don’t want to jump into anything…She’s not ready to settle down.
Sound familiar? And, even more, have you found yourself wanting yet avoiding these conversations? At what point did we become scared of erasing ambiguity? I’ve watched friends dabble in the grey area of uncertainty for months and months out of fear that the mere discussion might make the relationship go sour. I’ve witnessed couples exclaim “we’re not exclusive” while both parties remain committed to the other. Bottomline- when did we trade in the pure elements of truly getting to know someone, with the undefined fears of where in the world is the relationship going?
To incite the initial conversations, I’ve been known to be an advocate of the DTR90© Program. DTR is ‘Define the Relationship’- the inevitable discussion that is necessary, yet forgotten. Healthy, yet ignored. The ‘90’ implies that after 3 months, if a couple hasn’t had the conversation, it’s a good time to make it happen. Will you know everything about someone after 90 days? Of course not. Will you know enough about someone to formulate a decision within the topic, “what direction are we headed’? You should. Otherwise, you become vulnerable to other social labels—the ones with gooey and sticky negative connotation: Scared of commitment. Player. Whore. I'm not saying every situation falls in a cookie cutter world, I'm saying many people consider the grey area of non-committment unsettling. So, why not have that conversation- just to put yourselves at ease? It’s certainly not an uncommon practice for people to push the boundaries and become prolific daters behind the undefined terms of a relationship…use the lack of committment as a crutch…use a 'loose' label as an excuse to _____________ (fill in the blank). Does this promote a more immediate need to DTR?
DTR- Define the Relationship. Let’s discuss. ~JRS
Defining Moments
I don't think you can put an expiration date on a label-free relationship or even a milestone like a 'Seven Year Itch' or 'DTR90'. Each relationship occurs at a different rate. There are many variables: coming out of a long term relationship, just got divorced, deciding to focus on career or kids or even loss a spouse to death, etc. As well, new relationships accelerate at different speeds. If you spend a lot of time with someone or take your time and see them very little in the beginning, it sets the pace to get to a defining point.
I think there are more important factors other than time that should create the defining moment:
- When the four letter word ‘love’ is first uttered from either person’s lips things change.
- If you are having sex with more than one partner it is important to have ‘the talk’.
- If there are kids in the mix the conversation might need to take place sooner since it concerns more than just the two of you.
- If you are looking for a serious relationship even before the two of you meet it is a good idea to make sure you are on the same page.
- If you know that fun is the main goal and the last thing you want or have time for is a relationship, speak up.
Even though these top the list of reasons to define your relationship with or without a cliché filled timeline, there are those that have no interest in definitions. Unfortunately these are usually due to hidden reasons:
- They are seeing someone else and don’t want to commit to one person, or will choose one over the other when the time comes.
- It could be complicated and when you have yet to find closure and the idea of a new beginning is too much to handle.
- They are overprotective of their heart due to past hurt whether it was recent or the result of many attempts leading to bitterness and disappointment.
- Sometimes there is the tendency to believe the grass is always greener and have expectations too high.
- They might be in it for the chase and when you fully give in they no longer find it enough to hold their interest.
No matter how, when or if you define a relationship there is a natural instinct to have security by knowing where you stand. Actions do not always tell us what we what to know. You can mislead others or be misled by actions and even words. However, at some point communication on a need to know basis is imperative to sustain a healthy relationship. At some point 'in or out' is important so you can get on with your life either together or separately.
~ TM
Darwin aside, have you ever taken a few moments to examine the evolution of dating? Our grandparents generally married young—sometimes right out of high school. Sometimes right before a war. Our parents typically waited a couple years longer, possibly delayed by the hallucinogenic affects of the 60’s and 70’s. Then Generation X comes along…We are bold and diverse and labeled lazy…Technologically-driven by age 20…the fall of disco and the rise of dot-com…all of which contributes to a bit of self-instilled pride (referred to as arrogance by the Baby Boomers). Collectively, we decided that not only are we going to wait (on average) to settle down, but we’re also going to do one 1 of 2 things with our dating lives: 1). We do our best to cast a socially accepted, yet sometimes vague label on every single step of our relationship. OR, 2). We find ourself asking open-ended questions about every single step of our relationship.
Are we boyfriend-girlfriend? Are we ‘just’ dating? Are we exclusive? Are we allowed to see other people? I’m not sure if we’re committed… It’s been 3 months, what are we? I’m dating around. I want to take the next step, but I’m not sure if he’s ready…I don’t want to jump into anything…She’s not ready to settle down.
Sound familiar? And, even more, have you found yourself wanting yet avoiding these conversations? At what point did we become scared of erasing ambiguity? I’ve watched friends dabble in the grey area of uncertainty for months and months out of fear that the mere discussion might make the relationship go sour. I’ve witnessed couples exclaim “we’re not exclusive” while both parties remain committed to the other. Bottomline- when did we trade in the pure elements of truly getting to know someone, with the undefined fears of where in the world is the relationship going?
To incite the initial conversations, I’ve been known to be an advocate of the DTR90© Program. DTR is ‘Define the Relationship’- the inevitable discussion that is necessary, yet forgotten. Healthy, yet ignored. The ‘90’ implies that after 3 months, if a couple hasn’t had the conversation, it’s a good time to make it happen. Will you know everything about someone after 90 days? Of course not. Will you know enough about someone to formulate a decision within the topic, “what direction are we headed’? You should. Otherwise, you become vulnerable to other social labels—the ones with gooey and sticky negative connotation: Scared of commitment. Player. Whore. I'm not saying every situation falls in a cookie cutter world, I'm saying many people consider the grey area of non-committment unsettling. So, why not have that conversation- just to put yourselves at ease? It’s certainly not an uncommon practice for people to push the boundaries and become prolific daters behind the undefined terms of a relationship…use the lack of committment as a crutch…use a 'loose' label as an excuse to _____________ (fill in the blank). Does this promote a more immediate need to DTR?
DTR- Define the Relationship. Let’s discuss. ~JRS
Defining Moments
I don't think you can put an expiration date on a label-free relationship or even a milestone like a 'Seven Year Itch' or 'DTR90'. Each relationship occurs at a different rate. There are many variables: coming out of a long term relationship, just got divorced, deciding to focus on career or kids or even loss a spouse to death, etc. As well, new relationships accelerate at different speeds. If you spend a lot of time with someone or take your time and see them very little in the beginning, it sets the pace to get to a defining point.
I think there are more important factors other than time that should create the defining moment:
- When the four letter word ‘love’ is first uttered from either person’s lips things change.
- If you are having sex with more than one partner it is important to have ‘the talk’.
- If there are kids in the mix the conversation might need to take place sooner since it concerns more than just the two of you.
- If you are looking for a serious relationship even before the two of you meet it is a good idea to make sure you are on the same page.
- If you know that fun is the main goal and the last thing you want or have time for is a relationship, speak up.
Even though these top the list of reasons to define your relationship with or without a cliché filled timeline, there are those that have no interest in definitions. Unfortunately these are usually due to hidden reasons:
- They are seeing someone else and don’t want to commit to one person, or will choose one over the other when the time comes.
- It could be complicated and when you have yet to find closure and the idea of a new beginning is too much to handle.
- They are overprotective of their heart due to past hurt whether it was recent or the result of many attempts leading to bitterness and disappointment.
- Sometimes there is the tendency to believe the grass is always greener and have expectations too high.
- They might be in it for the chase and when you fully give in they no longer find it enough to hold their interest.
No matter how, when or if you define a relationship there is a natural instinct to have security by knowing where you stand. Actions do not always tell us what we what to know. You can mislead others or be misled by actions and even words. However, at some point communication on a need to know basis is imperative to sustain a healthy relationship. At some point 'in or out' is important so you can get on with your life either together or separately.
~ TM
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