Having been moderately embedded in a handful of Nashville social scenes the last decade, I’ve noticed that a lot of people are skillful and talented with a lot of things. Ever considered your friends’ talents? Art, singing, music, sports, photography, writing, debating, running…I could go on and on. Conversely, you know what I’ve noticed people are really bad at? Breaking up. I’ll even put myself in that group, mostly because I don’t mind having self-inflicted bus tracks on my back.
The question is- why are we so bad? And while we could probably answer that question in 100 different ways, I believe I have pinpointed the underlying culprit: the teeter totter. What is the teeter totter you might ask? The devastation period immediately following a break-up that’s up and down…and up and down…and up and down…and probably a bunch of back and forth, in which two people just can’t and won’t end it. The agonizing see-saw.
Do these sound familiar? Scenario A: 1. Two people break up. 2. Guy A texts Girl B and says we need to talk. 3. An emotional conversation ensues. 4. Make-up/Break-up sex happens. 5. Nothing is really resolved. Scenario B: 1. Two people break up. 2. Girl A is out on the town and sends Guy B a drunk text saying she misses him. 3. Instead of engaging with her friends, she is lost in a pointless ‘text fight’ all night and loses out on weekend fun. Scenario C: All acts and gestures of resolution escalate into pure ugliness. Insert your own scenarios here: _______________________
Is there a solid remedy for breaking up? Probably not. Every relationship is different and all couples interact differently- so there is never going to be a cookie cutter approach. We’re human, so we all believe that since we’re intelligent adults, that we should be able to fix things. Perhaps the real answer is that we’re human, and therefore, we just hang on to things for as long as we can. There’s still another phase, though: We believe that since we cared about the other person so much, being ‘just friends’ should be easy. [insert Whammy here]. Here's the thing: break-ups of a true, loving relationship- are tough and painful all by themselves. Losing someone is never, ever easy, and in some cases- the only true healer is time and space. But constant reminders (in some cases constant bombardments) in various forms of communication from one party to the other are the anti-Christ to both time and space.
While there may not be clear break-up solutions, there HAS TO BE healthier approaches than what we see in our circles of friends. Healthy doesn’t mean ‘lack of sadness and emotion’. Healthy means that each person is granted the platform he or she needs to properly heal. If a couple wants to give the relationship another shot- then so be it. One (possibly 2) chances might worth it, but only if it’s done in a healthy, productive manner. Anything beyond that, you might as well each be vampires, because you’re just sucking the life out of each other with the back and forth. Come to think of it- maybe that explains the rapid grow of the Tru Blood series…hmmm…
Listen to the term- ‘break’ up. Once it’s broken- let it be separated. No random ‘thinking of you texts’. No calls. No emails. Let each person grasp life as a single person again and regain the footing of independence. And, no, you can’t be ‘great friends’ as many couples promise each other as they are walking out the door. At least not right away. He and she both need to re-establish foundations as individuals before you can start leaning on an ex for friendly support. If being friends is on your agenda, tuck it away as a long term goal so both parties can have some space. That’s healthy. And did you notice that I haven't even discussed the parameter of what happens to the mutual friends in the realm of 'taking sides'? Drama-times-four. In the midst of all the emotion from the break-up, it's only natural to demand loyalty from your friends. Only what we find out is: some people don't split down the middle, nor do they want to. They want to remain neutral.
I’ll tell anyone who asks: Dating should be fun…no matter what stage you’re at. It should be exciting and filled with laughter on a daily basis. Being with a significant other should make your day better- your significant other should make and challenge you to be a better person. Yet I have watched the up’s and down’s and back and forth suck the life and energy out of really great people. The teeter totter was fun when we were kids. But now are legs are too long and we don’t travel very far. Know when enough is enough, and commit to a healthy break-up.
by
Jake Slivensky
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Forgiveness is giving up all hope of making a better past.
Let’s face it love can be painful but it doesn't have to be. I have been both the heartbreaker and the heart broken more times than I can count. If you care about the person at all neither way is a joy ride. I know how hard it is to not love someone that loves you and how painful it is to love someone that doesn't love you.
I recently had a friend tell me 'take your own advice'. So I went back and read through much of my writing. I had lost clarity of the very things that I shared and encouraged in others. Sometimes the teacher must become the student. I am constantly giving others advice because it is easier to analyze other people's lives than my own. I write as a form of self therapy and often I let my thoughts vanish as soon as they hit the page. It is never too late to hold the mirror to yourself and take time to improve yourself since we all have room for improvement. We are lucky if we have someone else willing to help us.
We should always do things with the best of intentions and not for selfish reasons because when we expect things in return we set ourselves up for disappointment. It is selfish so if you want to always get something back then do things for yourself. It is easy to be selfish and prideful and let our own wants and needs stand in the way of accepting the efforts of another. It is never easy to admit when we are wrong but we mistakes on a daily basis.
We can allow society to glamorize love but in reality a relationship takes effort, communication and trust. I don't care how 'easy' any relationship seems, it takes work. Once you get past the newness or honeymoon phase it is a daily task to feed love's hunger.
No matter how much you love someone if they do not meet you halfway, then you are both unfulfilled. We all deserve love but we must not deny ourselves the happiness we are due if the other is not willing to give back.
It is important to maintain your own life so that when you break up you don't have to split up or choose friends. If you just fold into someone else's life and put all of your eggs in one basket you could lose them all. You can share most everything but you must keep something for yourself whether it is a set of friends or a hobby. You can't disappear into the life of another.
Love is euphoric so when it is gone you go through withdrawals as if you quit a drug cold turkey. A buddy of mine mentioned recently how strange it is that we had known each other for 11 years and that when he and his girlfriend of a year broke up, he did not know how to even get through a day without her. When someone is so ingrained in your life then suddenly it is a desolate feeling.
All relationships take work even the new or easy ones. The engine of a car is like the heart and communication is the oil of the engine. Without communication the engine will get too hot too fast and burn up. Then you have a car without a heart.
Breakups are emotional and if you really love someone then it takes time and space for the rational thoughts to kick in. How, when or why we get to the point of the break up is irrelevant but what we do afterwards is just as important. There is usually a 'misery' phase, an 'anger' phase, a 'what could I have done differently' phase, the 'missing' phase and lastly the 'move on and heal' phase.
No matter how much pain you are in it is not acceptable to hurt back. If it is the only way to get a reaction it is wrong and unhealthy. You can't make anyone do, say or feel what you want. One can only be to you what they allow and you can neither demand nor expect more. You can be the most important thing in someone’s life but not the only thing. No matter how diligent you are when a relationship ends it is almost impossible to remain close right away. You must learn every day life without each other. You learn to be without or you realize it is working fighting for. Either way, there is no point in one person missing out when you can possibly both have your needs meet by another.
Understand the pain you feel will not go away until you process it or block it out and return to it later. It will still be there. If you bounce from one relationship to another without emptying the drain it will begin to overflow. So vent, talk, cry, rant, scream, sit in silence and think about why you are hurt. Listen to music, write, paint, read, exercise, whatever it takes to get the processing over with. Be leery of distractions versus processing though. You can hide, mask skip over, rationalize the pain but it will be there until you deal with it.
You must get though the road block of pain to begin healing time will heal lean on friends and family. It is like mourning a death of a loved one, as it is a death of its own. If you never imagined them being gone, missing, absent from your life...then yes it is like a death.
You may hide in your room and mourn for a while, you have beat yourself up or have a pity party but eventually you must get back out and integrate yourself into life. Most of us have been in a car wreck but even if it takes time, we drive again.
Losing everything allows you to see clearly that you have nothing to lose.
By Trey Mitchell
