Superficial
A few days ago I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and she called me shallow, which she knows is not true. Well, maybe it is a small part of my personality. I choose to think of myself as more picky than shallow. She said I only like to date beautiful women. I asked why that was a problem and she said that my standards are too high for most women to live up to. She went on to state that there are plenty of other women that are more suited for me that don't look like models. In the moment all I could come up with in my defense was that I am a male and a photographer and that I just can't help it. Upon further thought, I have gathered some information to support my taste in women.
The memorable scene in Beautiful Girls of Paul Kirkwood's (Michael Rapaport) glowing monologue about "supermodels" and "beautiful girls" while surrounded by pinups tacked on the wall: "Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinkin' Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high - full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, and the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's gonna be okay. The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels."
Men will do an immeasurable amount of stupid things for the minutest amount of attention from a beautiful woman. I have certainly gone to extraordinary lengths to acquire the interest of beautiful women. Whether it is a peacock's strut or a lion's roar, or Brad Pitt's sly grin or Dennis Rodman's outrageous antics, we all work with whatever we have to obtain the lofty goal of the arm of the gorgeous female.
Some women are attracted to money and power, others physical stature, some a sense of humor, others the 'bad boy' image and some the artistic mind. Everything we do is to attract a woman. It is like the idea of no such thing as a selfless act. We would be kidding ourselves if we said otherwise. Sure we can convince ourselves that we are career-minded, expressing ourselves or entertaining others but in the end it is always about attracting a woman. It is the way we have been programmed since the beginning of time and it will continue forever.
Think of the images we have seen all of our lives of the sirens of the silver screen archives. Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Rita Hayworth, Sophia Loren, Jean Harlow, Jacqueline Bisset, and Brigitte Bardot all possessed a sensual sexuality that could melt any 45".
Today we have Victoria's Secret, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, Maxim, Stuff and so on. Less is left to the imagination but that same image of smoldering sexuality exists. In a time where Playboy has not only survived but thrived there is no escaping what the masses feed us to fall in love with. It is what we dream of.
Every man has his own version of Eve. Luckily for us, women come in all shapes, sizes and colors! Tall, short, athletic, thin, voluptuous, blond, brunette, redhead, tan, pale...the list is endless. We thankfully live in a Baskin Robbins world and yet still most men will never fully be satisfied with what they have. The American dream is based on settling for nothing less than the best. It is our duty as one living in the most influential and powerful country in the world to strive for more.
Of course this entire physical obsession causes an endless number of issues for the subjects of our desire.
In the same movie, the scene of the bar-room singing of "Sweet Caroline"; and the scene of down-to-earth Gina Barrisano's (Rosie O'Donnell) smart-mouthed put-down monologue about the centerfold beauty myth and unrealistic expectations that guys have about supermodels to Tommy Rowland (Matt Dillon) and high-school grad Willie Conway (Timothy Hutton) "Oh, guys, look what we have here. Look at this, your favorite, oh you like that?...Yeah, that's nice, right? Well, it doesn't exist, OK? Look at the hair, the hair is long, it's flowing. It's like a river. Well, it's a f--king weave, OK? And the t-ts? Please! I could hang my overcoat on them. T-ts, by design, are intended to be suckled by babies. Yeah, they're purely functional. These are silicon city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being so unruly and all. Very vain. This is a mockery, this is sham, this is bulls--t..."
I truly have no counter argument. Men are highly visual and cars, women, boats, motorcycles, etc is what stimulates us mentally more than emotionally. Since the famous poster of Farrah Fawcett there has been no denying my physical attraction to the female form. I am not stating that the way we view women physically is right or wrong, good or bad, fair or not but it is the society we live in. Whether it is natural beauty or all tricks, we all look for women that make our jaw drop and our tongue unroll into the street.
From Chris Rock's HBO special at the Apollo Theater:
"You're all liars.
Masters of the lie, the visual lie.
Look at you.
You got on heels, you ain't that tall.
You got on makeup,
Your face don't look like that.
You got a weave, your hair ain't that long.
You got a Wonderbra on,
your t-tties ain't that big."
The crazy thing is we don't care, lie all you want! So enhance your bust with that special bra, stretch those legs with heels, and make up your face. Bottle that promise. Just remember that we lie too, see what you want to see and believe what you want to believe.
By Trey Mitchell
Sexy at 80
I learned an insanely important life lesson during my sophomore year of college. I was in month 4 of dating Miss-Everything-TTU. She was tall, gorgeous, homecoming queen, and popular. The more important detail, however, was that we had essentially no interests in common. Not one hobby. Not even a single television show. Outside I was glowing. Inside I was empty and miserable. But it's funny how the peer pressures we learned about in high school have even more complex dimensions in college. When the big faces on campus- athletes, the fraternity guys, the socialites, etc- are all patting you on the back drooling at your girlfriend, why would anyone want to give that up?
And then it happened. My best friend looked me directly in the eyes and said: Do you even remember the last time you laughed? Reality ensues. I had spent 21 years of my life with a deeply innate appreciation of sense of humor; laughing every chance I got. It exuded from all aspects of my life. Yet the second I was asked that question, I was forced to admit that I had just lost 4 months of life for piece of the superficial pie.
Trey's right- we're surrounded by beauty, each generation more than the last. And seeing beauty makes us want beauty. But at what point does it become an obsession? Do we all have a phase where we sacrifice core values so a piece of arm candy can make us feel warm and fuzzy? I do believe in a perfect world we'd all enjoy a supermodel by our side, but I also believe the most critical factor is where you draw the line. Are you obsessed with all the glamour? Are you obsessed with being noticed? Does your obsession with the social sexiness that surrounds you drive your decisions and purchases: your car, your clothes, your weekend agendas. Would you eliminate someone, whom your friends might consider a 'great match', from your dating pool because she is merely a 6 or 7? Have you or someone you know lost their personality trying to keep up with a superficial, socialite scene? Did I hit a nerve?
I drafted some tips to help you find some inner peace, or maybe just put things in perspective: take a few minutes to completley separate the worlds. World 1 is your sexy world. Everything in this world is beautiful: models on tv, people downtown, the women in music videos. And you're allowed to date your respective Brad Pitt or Minka Kelly. When you close your eyes in this world, someone is fanning you below the pillars of a statue of yourself. World 2 is your optimal dating world....and it's foundation is more of a list. It's a list of all the things you need to truly be happy. It's the can't-live-without attributes for your somebody- the person put on the planet for you. Here's the kicker: your optimal dating world has match with your long term needs, which may include kids and family. And if you're roaming the world in hopes Bo Derek walks out of the water and notices you, your clouded goals may be keeping you from true happiness. Once the list is complete, keep it in the back of your head and occasionally revisit it to evaluate the most important aspect at the end of the day: your happiness with your dating life.
40 years from now, we're all going to be sitting pondering the past. We'll be old and wrinkled. Our joints will ache. And we'll have a ton of good memories. But we won't have silky smooth skin. No perfect hair. And our ears and nose will be larger than they are today. Regardless of our appearances, I will wish a couple good fortunes upon everyone I care about in 2010: In 40 years when our beauty is gone, we all have the daily pleasure of being with someone whose conversation we adore and who makes us laugh on the hour. Those are timeless treasures that will outlast every superficial quality Megan Fox can bring to dinner.
How we live and act and date and value over the next few decades has yet to be seen...so proceed with caution, and remember- 4 decades from now, beauty will be scarce...will you be laughing with a partner? or alone in a rocking chair?
~Jake Slivensky
Monday, December 20, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Men are Stupid- Women are Crazy...or is it vice versa?
Stupid Crazy
Women are crazy and men are stupid. Italians make the best lovers, gay men are all whores, all black men cheat and Brazilian woman are the most beautiful in the world. Now that we have some stereotypes out of the way let's talk about some truths.
As a whole, women are more of an emotional rollercoaster due to monthly hormonal cycles and if they are pregnant the ride is even more intense. Men are less emotional and more reserved with their feelings as we hide them as some badge of strength. We are at opposite ends of the emotional spectrum so it is understandable that we view the opposite sex as almost alien.
So, if one of us has to be labeled then the other must accept the label as well. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard one call the other out and neither deny the other’s stereotype. After all, it is only fair that we share.
Common sense tells us that these are extreme generalizations of the opposite sex. Men can be crazy in our own way and women can be stupid as well. The bottom line is that we express ourselves in very different ways. We must learn to bridge the gap between emotional outpouring and emotional absence. We may be stupid when we do not listen and you may be crazy when you are irrational.
There are far too many advertisements (Pizza Hut, AT&T, Whiskas, Sony), books (She's Come Undone by Wally lamb, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen, songs ('Crazy Bitch' by Buckcherry) and television/movies ('Two and a Half Men', 'Fatal Attraction', 'Single White Female' and most reality shows) that feed into these blind labels. We need more realistic and honest demonstrations of communication and understanding. Women tend to think out loud as where we tend to internalize. Women must take the time to ask questions and we must take the time to not just hear but listen. Usually women tell us what they want and at times we expect them to be mind-readers.
Life is full of choices and we can either accept things or change them. If you care about someone and they constantly hear that they are stupid or crazy, after a while you start to believe it as true. Do not reinforce negativity and defend them and their right to express themselves as they wish. We must take the time to learn when, what, how and why and to communication transparently is the only way.
Would you rather be stupid or crazy?
~TM
I Choose Crazy- Crazy Listening
"We all go a little bit mad somtimes." Anthony Perkins, Pyshco
Have you ever actually stopped to evaluate how you express yourself? How you listen? You almost have to give yourself 2 scores for each forum: A score for expressing yourself during times of status quo….And a score for expressing yourself (and listening) during times of real conflict. Do you keep a level head? Do you bottle up and put up barriers? Do you get defensive and turn on attack mode? Some would argue that due to self-bias and ego, a person shouldn’t even be evaluating his or her own skills because we'd all would end up with A’s and B’s. So hold that thought a moment…
Consider the last heated argument you either had or maybe you witnessed within a relationship. It's driven by mutual anger and ends with no resolution. Now imagine that the two people part ways for the evening to respective ‘guys night out’ and ‘ladies night out’. It now becomes easy to picture how stereotypes and rumors spread like a virus. You’re surrounded by the support and comfort of your bff’s, and the next 30 minutes of verbal release (combined with a stiff drink) is your therapy. The next thing you know- women are crazy, guys are stupid, and all your friends know-so.
Relationship communication has aspects that transcend the mere conversation: The ability to listen; the degree of resolution; the post-talk processing; the commitment to a cause- to name a few. How much more productive would every single relationship talk be if both parties were committed to Stephen Covey’s Habit #5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. The attribute of being a listener and processer first- and a talker second. Soaking in your partners needs first- and your needs second. It just might be a foundation for a solid resolution.
So where did I take this section? Directly to the cause of listening and being a solid listener for a greater cause. And that cause includes avoiding ugliness, rumors, and stereotypes. Otherwise, we’ll eventually just end up at happy hour talking about how crazy and stupid everyone is…and every person will be fair game.
~JRS
Women are crazy and men are stupid. Italians make the best lovers, gay men are all whores, all black men cheat and Brazilian woman are the most beautiful in the world. Now that we have some stereotypes out of the way let's talk about some truths.
As a whole, women are more of an emotional rollercoaster due to monthly hormonal cycles and if they are pregnant the ride is even more intense. Men are less emotional and more reserved with their feelings as we hide them as some badge of strength. We are at opposite ends of the emotional spectrum so it is understandable that we view the opposite sex as almost alien.
So, if one of us has to be labeled then the other must accept the label as well. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard one call the other out and neither deny the other’s stereotype. After all, it is only fair that we share.
Common sense tells us that these are extreme generalizations of the opposite sex. Men can be crazy in our own way and women can be stupid as well. The bottom line is that we express ourselves in very different ways. We must learn to bridge the gap between emotional outpouring and emotional absence. We may be stupid when we do not listen and you may be crazy when you are irrational.
There are far too many advertisements (Pizza Hut, AT&T, Whiskas, Sony), books (She's Come Undone by Wally lamb, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen, songs ('Crazy Bitch' by Buckcherry) and television/movies ('Two and a Half Men', 'Fatal Attraction', 'Single White Female' and most reality shows) that feed into these blind labels. We need more realistic and honest demonstrations of communication and understanding. Women tend to think out loud as where we tend to internalize. Women must take the time to ask questions and we must take the time to not just hear but listen. Usually women tell us what they want and at times we expect them to be mind-readers.
Life is full of choices and we can either accept things or change them. If you care about someone and they constantly hear that they are stupid or crazy, after a while you start to believe it as true. Do not reinforce negativity and defend them and their right to express themselves as they wish. We must take the time to learn when, what, how and why and to communication transparently is the only way.
Would you rather be stupid or crazy?
~TM
I Choose Crazy- Crazy Listening
"We all go a little bit mad somtimes." Anthony Perkins, Pyshco
Have you ever actually stopped to evaluate how you express yourself? How you listen? You almost have to give yourself 2 scores for each forum: A score for expressing yourself during times of status quo….And a score for expressing yourself (and listening) during times of real conflict. Do you keep a level head? Do you bottle up and put up barriers? Do you get defensive and turn on attack mode? Some would argue that due to self-bias and ego, a person shouldn’t even be evaluating his or her own skills because we'd all would end up with A’s and B’s. So hold that thought a moment…
Consider the last heated argument you either had or maybe you witnessed within a relationship. It's driven by mutual anger and ends with no resolution. Now imagine that the two people part ways for the evening to respective ‘guys night out’ and ‘ladies night out’. It now becomes easy to picture how stereotypes and rumors spread like a virus. You’re surrounded by the support and comfort of your bff’s, and the next 30 minutes of verbal release (combined with a stiff drink) is your therapy. The next thing you know- women are crazy, guys are stupid, and all your friends know-so.
Relationship communication has aspects that transcend the mere conversation: The ability to listen; the degree of resolution; the post-talk processing; the commitment to a cause- to name a few. How much more productive would every single relationship talk be if both parties were committed to Stephen Covey’s Habit #5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. The attribute of being a listener and processer first- and a talker second. Soaking in your partners needs first- and your needs second. It just might be a foundation for a solid resolution.
So where did I take this section? Directly to the cause of listening and being a solid listener for a greater cause. And that cause includes avoiding ugliness, rumors, and stereotypes. Otherwise, we’ll eventually just end up at happy hour talking about how crazy and stupid everyone is…and every person will be fair game.
~JRS
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Sex By Number
Sex by Number
We know men are promiscuous by nature. It’s part of the genetic makeup that originally helped men spread their seed. It was different for women, who had to go through having a baby and then nurturing it. Women are genetically programmed to want just one man to help raise their children.
Thus, the age old question always seems to arise at some point in most modern relationships: ‘How many partners have you had?’
So with this question in mind I researched to find the average number of sexual partners for men and women. The first statistic and most commonly found on the Internet states that the average number of sexual partners for men in USA is 11. Upon further research I found contradicting information.
A 2005 survey states the average number of sexual partners for women was 8.6. The average number for men was 31.9.
A 2007 survey states that 29 percent of American men report having 15 or more female sexual partners in a lifetime, while only 9 percent of women report having sex with 15 or more men.
In a 2008 survey 21 percent of the men and 15 percent of the women admitted they had lied and/or they had provided an inaccurate partner count.
So how can any of these surveys possibly reflect true average numbers?
At one point I actually found a calculator to tell you if you are over or under average in your respected sexual numbers: http://www.calculatorslive.com/Average-Number-Of-Sexual-Partners-Calculator.aspx
So do men lie to inflate their sexual reputations or do women lie to downplay their sexual experience?
A man may believe that he should have a lot of partners and may feel compelled to exaggerate. However, a woman, believing that she should have fewer partners, may minimize her past.
Women are said to rely more on enumeration and most often are able to list each of their past partners by name which typically leads to underestimating while men tend to be more vague which leads to exaggeration.
So with all of this in mind, does the number of sexual partners have any bearing on a current relationship?
In my opinion nothing good can come of this discussion. The past can cloud the future so why ruin a mostly sunny forecast?
It is the snowball effect. First you compare numbers, and then you open the door for more curiosity on every level. More and more questions come to mind and suddenly insecurities arise. The past may be the pathway that lead to where you are now but the now is more relevant to the future.
Sex is not a competition. You neither win nor lose with a higher or lower number of partners. It never worked out with anyone you were previously with or you would still be with them. Focus on the one you are with and develop, explore, experiment and revel in every moment. There is no point in missing what you already had when you might be missing out on what you have right now.
No matter what the number, if you count backwards you still reach number one. That is who you are with now and who doesn’t want to be number one!?
~TM
What's in a Number?
Let's pretend you're at day 180 of a relationship, and you're extremely happy. On that random night, you feel compelled to playfully ask 'the question'..."What's your number? No, not your digits- your number." Before those words are mumbled, I'd implore you to silently ask yourself a different question: What good can possibly come out of knowing??
Ultimately, I believe there is only 1 clause that gives the nod of approval for proceeding with 'the # question': If you could 150% guarantee yourself that NO MATTER WHAT THE NUMBER IS (5 vs 50 or 11 vs 89), and that you would never look at your partner differently...then I might reluctantly give a green flag. Since I'm not sure you could always keep that promise, I'm inclined to promote moving to a new inquiry- perhaps, favorite movies or where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Let's be honest- promiscuity, to some degree, is global. I don't care if you're male or female, college-aged or post 40, or even if youre white, black, red, brown, or purple- you've had moments of lost inhibitions and prolific intimacy....even if it exists in a world recently defined as Melrose Pub by a 23 y/o female: "I haven't been slutty, but I've been a total makeout whore lately."
We're all grown-ups here, regardless of how frequently we attend happy hour or how many nights we play kickball. We make our own choices. and then we have to live with them. If you found periods of comfort or fun in multiple partners during periods of singleness or summertime madness, you were entitled to do so. But if you don't want your partners to judge you on all your encounters, you hardly get to be judge and jury on someone else's. Which brings us back to 'knowing'. What good can come out of it? Is it piece of mind? is it a comfort issue? Does it make you feel as if you know your partner better? Could you live the rest of your life not knowing and be ok with it?
I can see certian arguments for a person's perorgative of knowing. For example, if sex is sacred in your dating life, and you can count your partners on 1 hand, I could see how your partners' sex life of the past is important. But couldn't you argue that about a person's entire past? Because in the end, you're not just talking about numbers- you're also talking about decisions. And many decisions are regretted. And many decisions also granted us lessons learned and made us better people. So if youre going to go digging up skeletons in the closet, you might want to make sure you dig up the whole story- or just keep some doors closed and locked....and enjoy the here and now.
I'm going to close by recalling the famous folk tale of Chasing Amy. A story which outlined an escalating relationship between Holden and Alyssa- until Holden found out about her past...and just couldn't handle it. Trey cited the moral of the story perfectly- focus on the 'here and now' with your partner, and work to create brand new exciting experiences.
~JS
We know men are promiscuous by nature. It’s part of the genetic makeup that originally helped men spread their seed. It was different for women, who had to go through having a baby and then nurturing it. Women are genetically programmed to want just one man to help raise their children.
Thus, the age old question always seems to arise at some point in most modern relationships: ‘How many partners have you had?’
So with this question in mind I researched to find the average number of sexual partners for men and women. The first statistic and most commonly found on the Internet states that the average number of sexual partners for men in USA is 11. Upon further research I found contradicting information.
A 2005 survey states the average number of sexual partners for women was 8.6. The average number for men was 31.9.
A 2007 survey states that 29 percent of American men report having 15 or more female sexual partners in a lifetime, while only 9 percent of women report having sex with 15 or more men.
In a 2008 survey 21 percent of the men and 15 percent of the women admitted they had lied and/or they had provided an inaccurate partner count.
So how can any of these surveys possibly reflect true average numbers?
At one point I actually found a calculator to tell you if you are over or under average in your respected sexual numbers: http://www.calculatorslive.com/Average-Number-Of-Sexual-Partners-Calculator.aspx
So do men lie to inflate their sexual reputations or do women lie to downplay their sexual experience?
A man may believe that he should have a lot of partners and may feel compelled to exaggerate. However, a woman, believing that she should have fewer partners, may minimize her past.
Women are said to rely more on enumeration and most often are able to list each of their past partners by name which typically leads to underestimating while men tend to be more vague which leads to exaggeration.
So with all of this in mind, does the number of sexual partners have any bearing on a current relationship?
In my opinion nothing good can come of this discussion. The past can cloud the future so why ruin a mostly sunny forecast?
It is the snowball effect. First you compare numbers, and then you open the door for more curiosity on every level. More and more questions come to mind and suddenly insecurities arise. The past may be the pathway that lead to where you are now but the now is more relevant to the future.
Sex is not a competition. You neither win nor lose with a higher or lower number of partners. It never worked out with anyone you were previously with or you would still be with them. Focus on the one you are with and develop, explore, experiment and revel in every moment. There is no point in missing what you already had when you might be missing out on what you have right now.
No matter what the number, if you count backwards you still reach number one. That is who you are with now and who doesn’t want to be number one!?
~TM
What's in a Number?
Let's pretend you're at day 180 of a relationship, and you're extremely happy. On that random night, you feel compelled to playfully ask 'the question'..."What's your number? No, not your digits- your number." Before those words are mumbled, I'd implore you to silently ask yourself a different question: What good can possibly come out of knowing??
Ultimately, I believe there is only 1 clause that gives the nod of approval for proceeding with 'the # question': If you could 150% guarantee yourself that NO MATTER WHAT THE NUMBER IS (5 vs 50 or 11 vs 89), and that you would never look at your partner differently...then I might reluctantly give a green flag. Since I'm not sure you could always keep that promise, I'm inclined to promote moving to a new inquiry- perhaps, favorite movies or where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Let's be honest- promiscuity, to some degree, is global. I don't care if you're male or female, college-aged or post 40, or even if youre white, black, red, brown, or purple- you've had moments of lost inhibitions and prolific intimacy....even if it exists in a world recently defined as Melrose Pub by a 23 y/o female: "I haven't been slutty, but I've been a total makeout whore lately."
We're all grown-ups here, regardless of how frequently we attend happy hour or how many nights we play kickball. We make our own choices. and then we have to live with them. If you found periods of comfort or fun in multiple partners during periods of singleness or summertime madness, you were entitled to do so. But if you don't want your partners to judge you on all your encounters, you hardly get to be judge and jury on someone else's. Which brings us back to 'knowing'. What good can come out of it? Is it piece of mind? is it a comfort issue? Does it make you feel as if you know your partner better? Could you live the rest of your life not knowing and be ok with it?
I can see certian arguments for a person's perorgative of knowing. For example, if sex is sacred in your dating life, and you can count your partners on 1 hand, I could see how your partners' sex life of the past is important. But couldn't you argue that about a person's entire past? Because in the end, you're not just talking about numbers- you're also talking about decisions. And many decisions are regretted. And many decisions also granted us lessons learned and made us better people. So if youre going to go digging up skeletons in the closet, you might want to make sure you dig up the whole story- or just keep some doors closed and locked....and enjoy the here and now.
I'm going to close by recalling the famous folk tale of Chasing Amy. A story which outlined an escalating relationship between Holden and Alyssa- until Holden found out about her past...and just couldn't handle it. Trey cited the moral of the story perfectly- focus on the 'here and now' with your partner, and work to create brand new exciting experiences.
~JS
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
What's in a Label?
Label Us This, Label Us That: The DTR Theory
Darwin aside, have you ever taken a few moments to examine the evolution of dating? Our grandparents generally married young—sometimes right out of high school. Sometimes right before a war. Our parents typically waited a couple years longer, possibly delayed by the hallucinogenic affects of the 60’s and 70’s. Then Generation X comes along…We are bold and diverse and labeled lazy…Technologically-driven by age 20…the fall of disco and the rise of dot-com…all of which contributes to a bit of self-instilled pride (referred to as arrogance by the Baby Boomers). Collectively, we decided that not only are we going to wait (on average) to settle down, but we’re also going to do one 1 of 2 things with our dating lives: 1). We do our best to cast a socially accepted, yet sometimes vague label on every single step of our relationship. OR, 2). We find ourself asking open-ended questions about every single step of our relationship.
Are we boyfriend-girlfriend? Are we ‘just’ dating? Are we exclusive? Are we allowed to see other people? I’m not sure if we’re committed… It’s been 3 months, what are we? I’m dating around. I want to take the next step, but I’m not sure if he’s ready…I don’t want to jump into anything…She’s not ready to settle down.
Sound familiar? And, even more, have you found yourself wanting yet avoiding these conversations? At what point did we become scared of erasing ambiguity? I’ve watched friends dabble in the grey area of uncertainty for months and months out of fear that the mere discussion might make the relationship go sour. I’ve witnessed couples exclaim “we’re not exclusive” while both parties remain committed to the other. Bottomline- when did we trade in the pure elements of truly getting to know someone, with the undefined fears of where in the world is the relationship going?
To incite the initial conversations, I’ve been known to be an advocate of the DTR90© Program. DTR is ‘Define the Relationship’- the inevitable discussion that is necessary, yet forgotten. Healthy, yet ignored. The ‘90’ implies that after 3 months, if a couple hasn’t had the conversation, it’s a good time to make it happen. Will you know everything about someone after 90 days? Of course not. Will you know enough about someone to formulate a decision within the topic, “what direction are we headed’? You should. Otherwise, you become vulnerable to other social labels—the ones with gooey and sticky negative connotation: Scared of commitment. Player. Whore. I'm not saying every situation falls in a cookie cutter world, I'm saying many people consider the grey area of non-committment unsettling. So, why not have that conversation- just to put yourselves at ease? It’s certainly not an uncommon practice for people to push the boundaries and become prolific daters behind the undefined terms of a relationship…use the lack of committment as a crutch…use a 'loose' label as an excuse to _____________ (fill in the blank). Does this promote a more immediate need to DTR?
DTR- Define the Relationship. Let’s discuss. ~JRS
Defining Moments
I don't think you can put an expiration date on a label-free relationship or even a milestone like a 'Seven Year Itch' or 'DTR90'. Each relationship occurs at a different rate. There are many variables: coming out of a long term relationship, just got divorced, deciding to focus on career or kids or even loss a spouse to death, etc. As well, new relationships accelerate at different speeds. If you spend a lot of time with someone or take your time and see them very little in the beginning, it sets the pace to get to a defining point.
I think there are more important factors other than time that should create the defining moment:
- When the four letter word ‘love’ is first uttered from either person’s lips things change.
- If you are having sex with more than one partner it is important to have ‘the talk’.
- If there are kids in the mix the conversation might need to take place sooner since it concerns more than just the two of you.
- If you are looking for a serious relationship even before the two of you meet it is a good idea to make sure you are on the same page.
- If you know that fun is the main goal and the last thing you want or have time for is a relationship, speak up.
Even though these top the list of reasons to define your relationship with or without a cliché filled timeline, there are those that have no interest in definitions. Unfortunately these are usually due to hidden reasons:
- They are seeing someone else and don’t want to commit to one person, or will choose one over the other when the time comes.
- It could be complicated and when you have yet to find closure and the idea of a new beginning is too much to handle.
- They are overprotective of their heart due to past hurt whether it was recent or the result of many attempts leading to bitterness and disappointment.
- Sometimes there is the tendency to believe the grass is always greener and have expectations too high.
- They might be in it for the chase and when you fully give in they no longer find it enough to hold their interest.
No matter how, when or if you define a relationship there is a natural instinct to have security by knowing where you stand. Actions do not always tell us what we what to know. You can mislead others or be misled by actions and even words. However, at some point communication on a need to know basis is imperative to sustain a healthy relationship. At some point 'in or out' is important so you can get on with your life either together or separately.
~ TM
Darwin aside, have you ever taken a few moments to examine the evolution of dating? Our grandparents generally married young—sometimes right out of high school. Sometimes right before a war. Our parents typically waited a couple years longer, possibly delayed by the hallucinogenic affects of the 60’s and 70’s. Then Generation X comes along…We are bold and diverse and labeled lazy…Technologically-driven by age 20…the fall of disco and the rise of dot-com…all of which contributes to a bit of self-instilled pride (referred to as arrogance by the Baby Boomers). Collectively, we decided that not only are we going to wait (on average) to settle down, but we’re also going to do one 1 of 2 things with our dating lives: 1). We do our best to cast a socially accepted, yet sometimes vague label on every single step of our relationship. OR, 2). We find ourself asking open-ended questions about every single step of our relationship.
Are we boyfriend-girlfriend? Are we ‘just’ dating? Are we exclusive? Are we allowed to see other people? I’m not sure if we’re committed… It’s been 3 months, what are we? I’m dating around. I want to take the next step, but I’m not sure if he’s ready…I don’t want to jump into anything…She’s not ready to settle down.
Sound familiar? And, even more, have you found yourself wanting yet avoiding these conversations? At what point did we become scared of erasing ambiguity? I’ve watched friends dabble in the grey area of uncertainty for months and months out of fear that the mere discussion might make the relationship go sour. I’ve witnessed couples exclaim “we’re not exclusive” while both parties remain committed to the other. Bottomline- when did we trade in the pure elements of truly getting to know someone, with the undefined fears of where in the world is the relationship going?
To incite the initial conversations, I’ve been known to be an advocate of the DTR90© Program. DTR is ‘Define the Relationship’- the inevitable discussion that is necessary, yet forgotten. Healthy, yet ignored. The ‘90’ implies that after 3 months, if a couple hasn’t had the conversation, it’s a good time to make it happen. Will you know everything about someone after 90 days? Of course not. Will you know enough about someone to formulate a decision within the topic, “what direction are we headed’? You should. Otherwise, you become vulnerable to other social labels—the ones with gooey and sticky negative connotation: Scared of commitment. Player. Whore. I'm not saying every situation falls in a cookie cutter world, I'm saying many people consider the grey area of non-committment unsettling. So, why not have that conversation- just to put yourselves at ease? It’s certainly not an uncommon practice for people to push the boundaries and become prolific daters behind the undefined terms of a relationship…use the lack of committment as a crutch…use a 'loose' label as an excuse to _____________ (fill in the blank). Does this promote a more immediate need to DTR?
DTR- Define the Relationship. Let’s discuss. ~JRS
Defining Moments
I don't think you can put an expiration date on a label-free relationship or even a milestone like a 'Seven Year Itch' or 'DTR90'. Each relationship occurs at a different rate. There are many variables: coming out of a long term relationship, just got divorced, deciding to focus on career or kids or even loss a spouse to death, etc. As well, new relationships accelerate at different speeds. If you spend a lot of time with someone or take your time and see them very little in the beginning, it sets the pace to get to a defining point.
I think there are more important factors other than time that should create the defining moment:
- When the four letter word ‘love’ is first uttered from either person’s lips things change.
- If you are having sex with more than one partner it is important to have ‘the talk’.
- If there are kids in the mix the conversation might need to take place sooner since it concerns more than just the two of you.
- If you are looking for a serious relationship even before the two of you meet it is a good idea to make sure you are on the same page.
- If you know that fun is the main goal and the last thing you want or have time for is a relationship, speak up.
Even though these top the list of reasons to define your relationship with or without a cliché filled timeline, there are those that have no interest in definitions. Unfortunately these are usually due to hidden reasons:
- They are seeing someone else and don’t want to commit to one person, or will choose one over the other when the time comes.
- It could be complicated and when you have yet to find closure and the idea of a new beginning is too much to handle.
- They are overprotective of their heart due to past hurt whether it was recent or the result of many attempts leading to bitterness and disappointment.
- Sometimes there is the tendency to believe the grass is always greener and have expectations too high.
- They might be in it for the chase and when you fully give in they no longer find it enough to hold their interest.
No matter how, when or if you define a relationship there is a natural instinct to have security by knowing where you stand. Actions do not always tell us what we what to know. You can mislead others or be misled by actions and even words. However, at some point communication on a need to know basis is imperative to sustain a healthy relationship. At some point 'in or out' is important so you can get on with your life either together or separately.
~ TM
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