I told her I had always lived alone
And I probably always would
And all I wanted was my freedom
And she told me that she understood
But I let her do some of my laundry
And she slipped a few meals in between
And the next thing I remember, she was all moved in
And I was buying her a washing machine
Ready or Not
Jackson Browne
I have decided next time I share my living space with a woman I am romantically involved with it will be for the right reasons. It will be a huge step to ask her to do so. In the past it has always just sort of happened.
Maybe it has been out of convenience. I love being around women; it is comforting. I know it has happened for financial reasons. We were always together anyway. Why pay rent in two places? Sometimes they just accumulate things at your place and then have no need to go home. For whatever the reasons in the past, it will not happen again. Next time I will not just wake up one day to a live in relationship.
Some of you may think this is immoral but before I even think of anything that serious again I want to test the waters before I dive in. I have no problem with a roommate for financial reasons so that moving in together is not an easy option. Moral and religious opinions aside, maybe waiting until marriage to live together gives you both more incentive to work harder. Possibly the fear of failure due to the binding commitment of marriage changes your perspective. Although I am not opposed to marriage, I do not think it is in any way a necessity. If my commitment is not good enough without a legal document then it never will be. But hey, different strokes.
So the next big thing I could do personally would be to get down on one knee and ask to live together. It must be because I love spending time with her so much that I want her to know me even better. I want her to be a part of my everyday life. Also, women can add warmth to your home with little details that don't overwhelm or scare you. If done correctly, you will discover many things you don't need but suddenly don't want to be without. If she wants to take over and get rid of all that represents you and replace with everything that represents her...red flag, abort mission!
I have a big heart under all of the accumulated protective armor. I have gone beyond my capabilities physically, emotionally and financially to help others and I have often received little or nothing in return. I know now from experience that you can't fix or help or rescue some people. When other people's problems become yours, then it is an issue. We all have issues, but we need to own them. So don't ever move in together for any other reason than love.
Some may argue that the quickest way to kill a relationship is to move in together. However, that being said, I think most often that things are going to work out or not. So maybe it is a way to find out more quickly instead of drawing out relationships for years and then realizing you are so incompatible that you can not even live together.
In the end, there are no guarantees. Dating is a process. It is a combination of elimination and previous experience. Hopefully, we learn from our mistakes as well as those of others. As well, we seem to know more of what we don't want from having experienced it. So, we try until we no longer need to. Why would you continue to look for your car keys when you have already found them. I love it when people say, "They were in the last place I looked!"
If you have any doubts at all, do not move in together. It is not healthy to go into something like this thinking it might not work out. It is much easier to end a relationship when you do not live together. So, in the unfortunate case it doesn't work out, be prepared. It is similar to a divorce and it is neither fun nor easy.
I am neither endorsing nor condoning moving in together. I am just pointing out pros and cons. We all know we rarely listen to others do want most of the time anyway. No matter what, be aware and don't make such a big decision lightly. Whatever you decide, do it with conviction and maybe this time will be the last.
By Trey Mitchell
High Risk, High Reward
Cohabitation is a fancy word for 'shacking-up' for a longer-than-vacation stay, and even if you don't realize it- the situation has bigger implications than you might think. Living with someone is a big deal on any level, so the stakes are even higher if you're dating that person. Ever stopped to think about what you know about your roommate's life behind the scenes?
Eating habits. Bathroom habits. He leaves dishes in the sink. She leaves a swallow of milk left in the jug. She sleeps with the radio on. He brings home Asian girls on Thursdays.
Now multiply that by a factor of 10 for the person you're dating, and you'll recognize the true level of exploration thats about to take place in your relationship. For those seeking the 'testing the waters' path, plunging-in might be perfect. You hear this approach occassionally for a couple that has dated forever and is ready for engagement or marriage and 'just wants to see'. And then they realize that she can't stand him leaving his toe-nail clippings sitting around, and her hair in the bathroom makes him gag every morning before breakfast. True harmony.
One of the best one lines of advice I ever received while living in the college dorms was 'Never get an apartment with your best friends?' Why? Because you risk hating each other in the end. At first I thought that was ludicrous...until I got a place with my best friend of 19 years. He bossed me around when he needed something done, and I couldnt stand his pet's hair all over the place- and now we don't even speak. So perhaps a factor in 'to-live-in' or 'not-to-live-in' should be how much you're willing to risk.
I firmly believe the decision to live together resides deep within the couple...I just urge the two of you to discuss 'The Decision' (Thank you, LeBron) with an invisible agenda that includes space, finances, chores, food, and hot topics. But before that conversation with your lover takes place, have it with yourself. Are you ready to abandon portions of your independence? your privacy? your space? Even for the couples that spend 5 or 6 nights together quickly discover the elevated stakes, and generally the one who did the 'moving in' finds that 'wow, it was nice to have my place for some me time.' My furniture. My space. My silence. Whatever I want, because it's my place.
Think of it like going into the ocean for the first time when the water temperature isn't optimal. Our intial response is first to dip our toes in. Then walk up to our knees. Then go slowly towards the waist as our brain starts sending warning signals that we're approaching sensitive areas. After you pass the equator, you still have to deal with water touching your belly button, and then your nipples. My point? You can retreat any stage. Or you can be the drunken person at the lake in early April...Screw it- I'm jumping in. From there the only 2 results are generally 'it's not that bad'....or 'oh shit, that was dumb, I'm coming back in the boat.'
I truly wish the best for your relationship/roomie adventure. If your relationship blossoms and reaches new peaks, you've realized the High Reward. In the end, I'm just urging you to think the decision through.
So make sure your towels ready...or better yet, make sure your ankles, knees, special areas, belly, and nipples are all safe before taking that big plunge. No one ever wants to use a U-haul twice in one month. But I guess if the situation implodes after the move-in, you can always resort to roommates.com or sleep on your friends' couches. Beware of toe nails and pet hair.
~Jake Slivensky
