The D Word

Don't Do D_ _ _ _

We all know people that do. It'd be nice to think about it peaking at high school and gradually declining. Sadly, it got worse in college, but the triple-sad part is that some people are 30-pushing-40 and they won't slow down. The D word oozes through their veins in the same manner as an evil spirit, and they remain clueless that there is even a problem.

"Don't do drugs" was for McGruff the Crime Dog. I'm talking about D-r-a-m-a.

The parallels to drugs are visible if you look hard enough. Self-Denial. Increased tension in relationships. Close friends start avoiding you.

I thought long and hard about how to classify the different types of drama. Was their a clever acronym to be created or a quadrant to show visually?  In the end, I chose categories created by both the actions and the commotions of the crime:

A. Dr. Phil Drama.   Signified by making sure everyone around is involved in not only their relationship issues, but more importantly- embedded into the actualy break-ups.  Their phone calls, their texts, and their facebook status are all a Time Square flashy bullentin board for their dying relationship.

B. Lindsey Lohan Drama.  Constantly surrounded by all sorts of drama, but all of it is based on their own bad decisions. Even more- according to them, they've never ever ever ever did anything wrong.

C. SNL Drama. The complete Debbie Downer. Every story that comes out of this person's mouth is negative- to a point where you can hear the birds stop chirping outside every time he or she opens their mouth.  Buzz Kill Central.  

D.  Tu Pac Drama- All eyez on me.  This person cannot stand the attention or focus of the group not being pointed directly at him or her, so the result is that every story forces you to be sympathetic in some way, shape, or form. 

E. King Midas Drama. Everything that person touches seems to turn into turmoil. Drama appears to be a skill or artform to this person.

I'd bet you a Five Guys' Burger that you mentally just placed a couple people into at least 1 or 2 of those categories. And I bet those people constantly confuse leaning on friends for help with sucking their circle of friends into miserable blackholes. In some cases, frequency and repetition may be the key.  How would your friends categorize the stories and situations you share?

I'm a big fan of 'choice' accountability in people. You can choose anything you want: You receive bad work news at 7:30am- you can choose to let it affect your whole day negatively, or you can take it in stride and still be productive.  Your signficant other pisses you off royally- you can choose to let everyone on Earth know, or you can communicate with that person to resolve the issue with a minimal affect on others. Choose your path. Choose your attitude. And remember your attitudes and moods have the chance of inspiring people.....as well as chance of demotivating them.

So walk to a mirror right now, look at the attractive individual in the reflection, and ask this: When life gets tough for me- what attitudes and moods do I project onto others?  Do I remain positive and focus on solutions and better outcomes? Or do I harness people in a cage of barbed wire so they're trapped? 

Choose wisely. Bring motivation to the table. And don't do Drama.

~Jake Slivensky

DRAMARAMA

There are people of all ages seem to incite mayhem. Some do it on purpose and others unintentionally. For some, life without it would be boring. I don't care if you are in high school or in your 60's and whether you live in Laguna Beach or at Melrose Place, in real life the drama must go!

Don’t be stupid

I know it is hard to imagine but don't assume anything. Hear say is gossip. Do you remember the exercise from grade school that demonstrated miscommunication? You started on one side of the room with a simple phrase and each person had to repeat it to the next and in the end it was nothing like it began. He said she said equals nothing without facts. Go straight to the source before you get upset that you heard that your ex cheated on you with your sister's ex while they were away on vacation and happened to run into each other while drunk at an amusement park while singing Barry Manilow songs to some pigeons. Think before you act.

Reaction distraction

This just perpetuates the most likely non-existent issue at hand. When you react without thinking things through emotions run the brain. Logical thinking is not emotional thinking. Suddenly you are wrapped up in the momentum of the drama because you did not stop it when you had the chance. Guess what happens next? Well, it is like being on a free fall ride to who knows where and past any point of return and you can only look forward, not back. Why not just jump off the bridge before looking to see what you are jumping into or walk blindfolded into traffic? Just blame the messenger nothing at this point is your fault.

Act like an adult

I am not just talking to adults but those that pretend to be adults before they are. There is a logical reason for everything if you choose to take the time to let the fog clear. Treat people the way you want to be treated. You get back the energy and attitude you put out there. Maturity does not just mean working and taking care of bills, it also means respecting yourself as well as others.

Mind over matter

Some things are easier said than done. The heart and the mind often conflict one another. The heart may heal but the mind does not always forget. Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same. The immediate pain is easier to deal with than long term pain. Sometimes letting go of a feeling is freeing. So what is Julie called you a bitch. Anger usually comes from hurt. You can't control others but you can control your reaction to them. Take the high road and enjoy the view. It is always better than looking from the bottom up.

As you were

Life goes on. The majority of drama occurs over things that really don't make much of a difference in the long run. What may seem like a monumental issue at the time later seems just silly. The longer you live and the more you experience the less the trivial things matter. Your first heartbreak usually makes you feel like dying and the end of the world. However, the more you date, love and lose love the more you realize that what is next is more important than what was.

Sometimes I like a good drama or even dramedy on the big or small screen. It can be attractive and glamorous from a far but in real life it is just a waste of time and energy.

By Trey Mitchell

What's in a Label?

Label  Us This, Label Us That: The DTR Theory

Darwin aside, have you ever taken a few moments to examine the evolution of dating? Our grandparents generally married young—sometimes right out of high school. Sometimes right before a war. Our parents typically waited a couple years longer, possibly delayed by the hallucinogenic affects of the 60’s and 70’s. Then Generation X comes along…We are bold and diverse and labeled lazy…Technologically-driven by age 20…the fall of disco and the rise of dot-com…all of which contributes to a bit of self-instilled pride (referred to as arrogance by the Baby Boomers).  Collectively, we decided that not only are we going to wait (on average) to settle down, but we’re also going to do one 1 of 2 things with our dating lives:  1). We do our best to cast a socially accepted, yet sometimes vague label on every single step of our relationship. OR,  2). We find ourself asking open-ended questions about every single step of our relationship.

Are we boyfriend-girlfriend? Are we ‘just’ dating?  Are we exclusive? Are we allowed to see other people? I’m not sure if we’re committed… It’s been 3 months, what are we? I’m dating around. I want to take the next step, but I’m not sure if he’s ready…I don’t want to jump into anything…She’s not ready to settle down.

Sound familiar?  And, even more, have you found yourself wanting yet avoiding these conversations? At what point did we become scared of erasing ambiguity? I’ve watched friends dabble in the grey area of uncertainty for months and months out of fear that the mere discussion might make the relationship go sour. I’ve witnessed couples exclaim “we’re not exclusive” while both parties remain committed to the other.  Bottomline- when did we trade in the pure elements of truly getting to know someone, with the undefined fears of where in the world is the relationship going?

To incite the initial conversations, I’ve been known to be an advocate of the DTR90© Program. DTR is ‘Define the Relationship’- the inevitable discussion that is necessary, yet forgotten. Healthy, yet ignored.  The ‘90’ implies that after 3 months, if a couple hasn’t had the conversation, it’s a good time to make it happen.  Will you know everything about someone after 90 days? Of course not.  Will you know enough about someone to formulate a decision within the topic, “what direction are we headed’? You should.  Otherwise, you become vulnerable to other social labels—the ones with gooey and sticky negative connotation:  Scared of commitment. Player. Whore.   I'm not saying every situation falls in a cookie cutter world, I'm saying many people consider the grey area of non-committment unsettling. So, why not have that conversation- just to put yourselves at ease? It’s certainly not an uncommon practice for people to push the boundaries and become prolific daters behind the undefined terms of a relationship…use the lack of committment as a crutch…use a 'loose' label as an excuse to  _____________ (fill in the blank).    Does this promote a more immediate need to DTR?

DTR- Define the Relationship.  Let’s discuss.  ~JRS


Defining Moments

I don't think you can put an expiration date on a label-free relationship or even a milestone like a 'Seven Year Itch' or 'DTR90'. Each relationship occurs at a different rate. There are many variables: coming out of a long term relationship, just got divorced, deciding to focus on career or kids or even loss a spouse to death, etc. As well, new relationships accelerate at different speeds. If you spend a lot of time with someone or take your time and see them very little in the beginning, it sets the pace to get to a defining point.

I think there are more important factors other than time that should create the defining moment:

- When the four letter word ‘love’ is first uttered from either person’s lips things change.

- If you are having sex with more than one partner it is important to have ‘the talk’.

- If there are kids in the mix the conversation might need to take place sooner since it concerns more than just the two of you.

- If you are looking for a serious relationship even before the two of you meet it is a good idea to make sure you are on the same page.

- If you know that fun is the main goal and the last thing you want or have time for is a relationship, speak up.


Even though these top the list of reasons to define your relationship with or without a cliché filled timeline, there are those that have no interest in definitions. Unfortunately these are usually due to hidden reasons:

- They are seeing someone else and don’t want to commit to one person, or will choose one over the other when the time comes.

- It could be complicated and when you have yet to find closure and the idea of a new beginning is too much to handle.

- They are overprotective of their heart due to past hurt whether it was recent or the result of many attempts leading to bitterness and disappointment.

- Sometimes there is the tendency to believe the grass is always greener and have expectations too high.

- They might be in it for the chase and when you fully give in they no longer find it enough to hold their interest.

No matter how, when or if you define a relationship there is a natural instinct to have security by knowing where you stand. Actions do not always tell us what we what to know. You can mislead others or be misled by actions and even words. However, at some point communication on a need to know basis is imperative to sustain a healthy relationship. At some point 'in or out' is important so you can get on with your life either together or separately.

~ TM