What's in a Label?

Label  Us This, Label Us That: The DTR Theory

Darwin aside, have you ever taken a few moments to examine the evolution of dating? Our grandparents generally married young—sometimes right out of high school. Sometimes right before a war. Our parents typically waited a couple years longer, possibly delayed by the hallucinogenic affects of the 60’s and 70’s. Then Generation X comes along…We are bold and diverse and labeled lazy…Technologically-driven by age 20…the fall of disco and the rise of dot-com…all of which contributes to a bit of self-instilled pride (referred to as arrogance by the Baby Boomers).  Collectively, we decided that not only are we going to wait (on average) to settle down, but we’re also going to do one 1 of 2 things with our dating lives:  1). We do our best to cast a socially accepted, yet sometimes vague label on every single step of our relationship. OR,  2). We find ourself asking open-ended questions about every single step of our relationship.

Are we boyfriend-girlfriend? Are we ‘just’ dating?  Are we exclusive? Are we allowed to see other people? I’m not sure if we’re committed… It’s been 3 months, what are we? I’m dating around. I want to take the next step, but I’m not sure if he’s ready…I don’t want to jump into anything…She’s not ready to settle down.

Sound familiar?  And, even more, have you found yourself wanting yet avoiding these conversations? At what point did we become scared of erasing ambiguity? I’ve watched friends dabble in the grey area of uncertainty for months and months out of fear that the mere discussion might make the relationship go sour. I’ve witnessed couples exclaim “we’re not exclusive” while both parties remain committed to the other.  Bottomline- when did we trade in the pure elements of truly getting to know someone, with the undefined fears of where in the world is the relationship going?

To incite the initial conversations, I’ve been known to be an advocate of the DTR90© Program. DTR is ‘Define the Relationship’- the inevitable discussion that is necessary, yet forgotten. Healthy, yet ignored.  The ‘90’ implies that after 3 months, if a couple hasn’t had the conversation, it’s a good time to make it happen.  Will you know everything about someone after 90 days? Of course not.  Will you know enough about someone to formulate a decision within the topic, “what direction are we headed’? You should.  Otherwise, you become vulnerable to other social labels—the ones with gooey and sticky negative connotation:  Scared of commitment. Player. Whore.   I'm not saying every situation falls in a cookie cutter world, I'm saying many people consider the grey area of non-committment unsettling. So, why not have that conversation- just to put yourselves at ease? It’s certainly not an uncommon practice for people to push the boundaries and become prolific daters behind the undefined terms of a relationship…use the lack of committment as a crutch…use a 'loose' label as an excuse to  _____________ (fill in the blank).    Does this promote a more immediate need to DTR?

DTR- Define the Relationship.  Let’s discuss.  ~JRS


Defining Moments

I don't think you can put an expiration date on a label-free relationship or even a milestone like a 'Seven Year Itch' or 'DTR90'. Each relationship occurs at a different rate. There are many variables: coming out of a long term relationship, just got divorced, deciding to focus on career or kids or even loss a spouse to death, etc. As well, new relationships accelerate at different speeds. If you spend a lot of time with someone or take your time and see them very little in the beginning, it sets the pace to get to a defining point.

I think there are more important factors other than time that should create the defining moment:

- When the four letter word ‘love’ is first uttered from either person’s lips things change.

- If you are having sex with more than one partner it is important to have ‘the talk’.

- If there are kids in the mix the conversation might need to take place sooner since it concerns more than just the two of you.

- If you are looking for a serious relationship even before the two of you meet it is a good idea to make sure you are on the same page.

- If you know that fun is the main goal and the last thing you want or have time for is a relationship, speak up.


Even though these top the list of reasons to define your relationship with or without a cliché filled timeline, there are those that have no interest in definitions. Unfortunately these are usually due to hidden reasons:

- They are seeing someone else and don’t want to commit to one person, or will choose one over the other when the time comes.

- It could be complicated and when you have yet to find closure and the idea of a new beginning is too much to handle.

- They are overprotective of their heart due to past hurt whether it was recent or the result of many attempts leading to bitterness and disappointment.

- Sometimes there is the tendency to believe the grass is always greener and have expectations too high.

- They might be in it for the chase and when you fully give in they no longer find it enough to hold their interest.

No matter how, when or if you define a relationship there is a natural instinct to have security by knowing where you stand. Actions do not always tell us what we what to know. You can mislead others or be misled by actions and even words. However, at some point communication on a need to know basis is imperative to sustain a healthy relationship. At some point 'in or out' is important so you can get on with your life either together or separately.

~ TM