The D Word

Don't Do D_ _ _ _

We all know people that do. It'd be nice to think about it peaking at high school and gradually declining. Sadly, it got worse in college, but the triple-sad part is that some people are 30-pushing-40 and they won't slow down. The D word oozes through their veins in the same manner as an evil spirit, and they remain clueless that there is even a problem.

"Don't do drugs" was for McGruff the Crime Dog. I'm talking about D-r-a-m-a.

The parallels to drugs are visible if you look hard enough. Self-Denial. Increased tension in relationships. Close friends start avoiding you.

I thought long and hard about how to classify the different types of drama. Was their a clever acronym to be created or a quadrant to show visually?  In the end, I chose categories created by both the actions and the commotions of the crime:

A. Dr. Phil Drama.   Signified by making sure everyone around is involved in not only their relationship issues, but more importantly- embedded into the actualy break-ups.  Their phone calls, their texts, and their facebook status are all a Time Square flashy bullentin board for their dying relationship.

B. Lindsey Lohan Drama.  Constantly surrounded by all sorts of drama, but all of it is based on their own bad decisions. Even more- according to them, they've never ever ever ever did anything wrong.

C. SNL Drama. The complete Debbie Downer. Every story that comes out of this person's mouth is negative- to a point where you can hear the birds stop chirping outside every time he or she opens their mouth.  Buzz Kill Central.  

D.  Tu Pac Drama- All eyez on me.  This person cannot stand the attention or focus of the group not being pointed directly at him or her, so the result is that every story forces you to be sympathetic in some way, shape, or form. 

E. King Midas Drama. Everything that person touches seems to turn into turmoil. Drama appears to be a skill or artform to this person.

I'd bet you a Five Guys' Burger that you mentally just placed a couple people into at least 1 or 2 of those categories. And I bet those people constantly confuse leaning on friends for help with sucking their circle of friends into miserable blackholes. In some cases, frequency and repetition may be the key.  How would your friends categorize the stories and situations you share?

I'm a big fan of 'choice' accountability in people. You can choose anything you want: You receive bad work news at 7:30am- you can choose to let it affect your whole day negatively, or you can take it in stride and still be productive.  Your signficant other pisses you off royally- you can choose to let everyone on Earth know, or you can communicate with that person to resolve the issue with a minimal affect on others. Choose your path. Choose your attitude. And remember your attitudes and moods have the chance of inspiring people.....as well as chance of demotivating them.

So walk to a mirror right now, look at the attractive individual in the reflection, and ask this: When life gets tough for me- what attitudes and moods do I project onto others?  Do I remain positive and focus on solutions and better outcomes? Or do I harness people in a cage of barbed wire so they're trapped? 

Choose wisely. Bring motivation to the table. And don't do Drama.

~Jake Slivensky

DRAMARAMA

There are people of all ages seem to incite mayhem. Some do it on purpose and others unintentionally. For some, life without it would be boring. I don't care if you are in high school or in your 60's and whether you live in Laguna Beach or at Melrose Place, in real life the drama must go!

Don’t be stupid

I know it is hard to imagine but don't assume anything. Hear say is gossip. Do you remember the exercise from grade school that demonstrated miscommunication? You started on one side of the room with a simple phrase and each person had to repeat it to the next and in the end it was nothing like it began. He said she said equals nothing without facts. Go straight to the source before you get upset that you heard that your ex cheated on you with your sister's ex while they were away on vacation and happened to run into each other while drunk at an amusement park while singing Barry Manilow songs to some pigeons. Think before you act.

Reaction distraction

This just perpetuates the most likely non-existent issue at hand. When you react without thinking things through emotions run the brain. Logical thinking is not emotional thinking. Suddenly you are wrapped up in the momentum of the drama because you did not stop it when you had the chance. Guess what happens next? Well, it is like being on a free fall ride to who knows where and past any point of return and you can only look forward, not back. Why not just jump off the bridge before looking to see what you are jumping into or walk blindfolded into traffic? Just blame the messenger nothing at this point is your fault.

Act like an adult

I am not just talking to adults but those that pretend to be adults before they are. There is a logical reason for everything if you choose to take the time to let the fog clear. Treat people the way you want to be treated. You get back the energy and attitude you put out there. Maturity does not just mean working and taking care of bills, it also means respecting yourself as well as others.

Mind over matter

Some things are easier said than done. The heart and the mind often conflict one another. The heart may heal but the mind does not always forget. Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same. The immediate pain is easier to deal with than long term pain. Sometimes letting go of a feeling is freeing. So what is Julie called you a bitch. Anger usually comes from hurt. You can't control others but you can control your reaction to them. Take the high road and enjoy the view. It is always better than looking from the bottom up.

As you were

Life goes on. The majority of drama occurs over things that really don't make much of a difference in the long run. What may seem like a monumental issue at the time later seems just silly. The longer you live and the more you experience the less the trivial things matter. Your first heartbreak usually makes you feel like dying and the end of the world. However, the more you date, love and lose love the more you realize that what is next is more important than what was.

Sometimes I like a good drama or even dramedy on the big or small screen. It can be attractive and glamorous from a far but in real life it is just a waste of time and energy.

By Trey Mitchell

The Co-Ed Habitat

I told her I had always lived alone
And I probably always would
And all I wanted was my freedom
And she told me that she understood
But I let her do some of my laundry
And she slipped a few meals in between
And the next thing I remember, she was all moved in
And I was buying her a washing machine

Ready or Not
Jackson Browne

I have decided next time I share my living space with a woman I am romantically involved with it will be for the right reasons. It will be a huge step to ask her to do so. In the past it has always just sort of happened.

Maybe it has been out of convenience. I love being around women; it is comforting. I know it has happened for financial reasons. We were always together anyway. Why pay rent in two places? Sometimes they just accumulate things at your place and then have no need to go home. For whatever the reasons in the past, it will not happen again. Next time I will not just wake up one day to a live in relationship.

Some of you may think this is immoral but before I even think of anything that serious again I want to test the waters before I dive in. I have no problem with a roommate for financial reasons so that moving in together is not an easy option. Moral and religious opinions aside, maybe waiting until marriage to live together gives you both more incentive to work harder. Possibly the fear of failure due to the binding commitment of marriage changes your perspective. Although I am not opposed to marriage, I do not think it is in any way a necessity. If my commitment is not good enough without a legal document then it never will be. But hey, different strokes.

So the next big thing I could do personally would be to get down on one knee and ask to live together. It must be because I love spending time with her so much that I want her to know me even better. I want her to be a part of my everyday life. Also, women can add warmth to your home with little details that don't overwhelm or scare you. If done correctly, you will discover many things you don't need but suddenly don't want to be without. If she wants to take over and get rid of all that represents you and replace with everything that represents her...red flag, abort mission!

I have a big heart under all of the accumulated protective armor. I have gone beyond my capabilities physically, emotionally and financially to help others and I have often received little or nothing in return. I know now from experience that you can't fix or help or rescue some people. When other people's problems become yours, then it is an issue. We all have issues, but we need to own them. So don't ever move in together for any other reason than love.

Some may argue that the quickest way to kill a relationship is to move in together. However, that being said, I think most often that things are going to work out or not. So maybe it is a way to find out more quickly instead of drawing out relationships for years and then realizing you are so incompatible that you can not even live together.

In the end, there are no guarantees. Dating is a process. It is a combination of elimination and previous experience. Hopefully, we learn from our mistakes as well as those of others. As well, we seem to know more of what we don't want from having experienced it. So, we try until we no longer need to. Why would you continue to look for your car keys when you have already found them. I love it when people say, "They were in the last place I looked!"

If you have any doubts at all, do not move in together. It is not healthy to go into something like this thinking it might not work out. It is much easier to end a relationship when you do not live together. So, in the unfortunate case it doesn't work out, be prepared. It is similar to a divorce and it is neither fun nor easy.

I am neither endorsing nor condoning moving in together. I am just pointing out pros and cons. We all know we rarely listen to others do want most of the time anyway. No matter what, be aware and don't make such a big decision lightly. Whatever you decide, do it with conviction and maybe this time will be the last.


 By Trey Mitchell


High Risk, High Reward
Cohabitation is a fancy word for 'shacking-up' for a longer-than-vacation stay, and even if you don't realize it- the situation has bigger implications than you might think. Living with someone is a big deal on any level, so the stakes are even higher if you're dating that person. Ever stopped to think about what you know about your roommate's life behind the scenes?

Eating habits. Bathroom habits. He leaves dishes in the sink. She leaves a swallow of milk left in the jug. She sleeps with the radio on. He brings home Asian girls on Thursdays.
Now multiply that by a factor of 10 for the person you're dating, and you'll recognize the true level of exploration thats about to take place in your relationship. For those seeking the 'testing the waters' path, plunging-in might be perfect. You hear this approach occassionally for a couple that has dated forever and is ready for engagement or marriage and 'just wants to see'. And then they realize that she can't stand him leaving his toe-nail clippings sitting around, and her hair in the bathroom makes him gag every morning before breakfast. True harmony.

One of the best one lines of advice I ever received while living in the college dorms was 'Never get an apartment with your best friends?'   Why?  Because you risk hating each other in the end. At first I thought that was ludicrous...until I got a place with my best friend of 19 years.  He bossed me around when he needed something done, and I couldnt stand his pet's hair all over the place- and now we don't even speak. So perhaps a factor in 'to-live-in' or 'not-to-live-in' should be how much you're willing to risk.

I firmly believe the decision to live together resides deep within the couple...I just urge the two of you to discuss 'The Decision' (Thank you, LeBron) with an invisible agenda that includes space, finances, chores, food, and hot topics. But before that conversation with your lover takes place, have it with yourself. Are you ready to abandon portions of your independence? your privacy? your space?    Even for the couples that spend 5 or 6 nights together quickly discover the elevated stakes, and generally the one who did the 'moving in' finds that 'wow, it was nice to have my place for some me time.'  My furniture. My space. My silence. Whatever I want, because it's my place.

Think of it like going into the ocean for the first time when the water temperature isn't optimal. Our intial response is first to dip our toes in. Then walk up to our knees. Then go slowly towards the waist as our brain starts sending warning signals that we're approaching sensitive areas. After you pass the equator, you still have to deal with water touching your belly button, and then your nipples.  My point? You can retreat any stage.  Or you can be the drunken person at the lake in early April...Screw it- I'm jumping in.  From there the only 2 results are generally 'it's not that bad'....or 'oh shit, that was dumb, I'm coming back in the boat.'

I truly wish the best for your relationship/roomie adventure. If your relationship blossoms and reaches new peaks, you've realized the High Reward.  In the end, I'm just urging you to think the decision through.

So make sure your towels ready...or better yet, make sure your ankles, knees, special areas, belly, and nipples are all safe before taking that big plunge. No one ever wants to use a U-haul twice in one month. But I guess if the situation implodes after the move-in, you can always resort to roommates.com or sleep on your friends' couches. Beware of toe nails and pet hair.


~Jake Slivensky

The Art of Breaking Up

Teetering on the Teeter-Totter
 Having been moderately embedded in a handful of Nashville social scenes the last decade, I’ve noticed that a lot of people are skillful and talented with a lot of things. Ever considered your friends’ talents?    Art, singing, music, sports, photography, writing, debating, running…I could go on and on.  Conversely, you know what I’ve noticed people are really bad at?  Breaking up. I’ll even put myself in that group, mostly because I don’t mind having self-inflicted bus tracks on my back.

The question is- why are we so bad?  And while we could probably answer that question in 100 different ways, I believe I have pinpointed the underlying culprit: the teeter totter.  What is the teeter totter you might ask? The devastation period immediately following a break-up that’s up and down…and up and down…and up and down…and probably a bunch of back and forth, in which two people just can’t and won’t end it. The agonizing see-saw.

Do these sound familiar?  Scenario A:  1. Two people break up.  2. Guy A texts Girl B and says we need to talk. 3. An emotional conversation ensues.  4. Make-up/Break-up sex happens. 5. Nothing is really resolved.  Scenario B:  1. Two people break up.  2. Girl A is out on the town and sends Guy B a drunk text saying she misses him. 3. Instead of engaging with her friends, she is lost in a pointless ‘text fight’ all night and loses out on weekend fun. Scenario C: All acts and gestures of resolution escalate into pure ugliness.        Insert your own scenarios here: _______________________

Is there a solid remedy for breaking up? Probably not. Every relationship is different and all couples interact differently- so there is never going to be a cookie cutter approach.  We’re human, so we all believe that since we’re intelligent adults, that we should be able to fix things. Perhaps the real answer is that we’re human, and therefore, we just hang on to things for as long as we can. There’s still another phase, though:  We believe that since we cared about the other person so much, being ‘just friends’ should be easy.  [insert Whammy here].  Here's the thing: break-ups of a true, loving relationship- are tough and painful all by themselves. Losing someone is never, ever easy, and in some cases- the only true healer is time and space. But constant reminders (in some cases constant bombardments) in various forms of communication from one party to the other are the anti-Christ to both time and space.

While there may not be clear break-up solutions, there HAS TO BE healthier approaches than what we see in our circles of friends.  Healthy doesn’t mean ‘lack of sadness and emotion’.  Healthy means that each person is granted the platform he or she needs to properly heal. If a couple wants to give the relationship another shot- then so be it. One (possibly 2) chances might worth it, but only if it’s done in a healthy, productive manner.  Anything beyond that, you might as well each be vampires, because you’re just sucking the life out of each other with the back and forth.  Come to think of it- maybe that explains the rapid grow of the Tru Blood series…hmmm…

Listen to the term- ‘break’ up.  Once it’s broken- let it be separated. No random ‘thinking of you texts’. No calls. No emails. Let each person grasp life as a single person again and regain the footing of independence. And, no, you can’t be ‘great friends’ as many couples promise each other as they are walking out the door.  At least not right away. He and she both need to re-establish foundations as individuals before you can start leaning on an ex for friendly support.  If being friends is on your agenda, tuck it away as a long term goal so both parties can have some space. That’s healthy. And did you notice that I haven't even discussed the parameter of what happens to the mutual friends in the realm of 'taking sides'? Drama-times-four. In the midst of all the emotion from the break-up, it's only natural to demand loyalty from your friends. Only what we find out is: some people don't split down the middle, nor do they want to. They want to remain neutral.

I’ll tell anyone who asks: Dating should be fun…no matter what stage you’re at. It should be exciting and filled with laughter on a daily basis. Being with a significant other should make your day better- your significant other should make and challenge you to be a better person.  Yet I have watched the up’s and down’s and back and forth suck the life and energy out of really great people.  The teeter totter was fun when we were kids. But now are legs are too long and we don’t travel very far. Know when enough is enough, and commit to a healthy break-up.

by
Jake Slivensky

Next

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of making a better past.

Let’s face it love can be painful but it doesn't have to be. I have been both the heartbreaker and the heart broken more times than I can count. If you care about the person at all neither way is a joy ride. I know how hard it is to not love someone that loves you and how painful it is to love someone that doesn't love you.

I recently had a friend tell me 'take your own advice'. So I went back and read through much of my writing. I had lost clarity of the very things that I shared and encouraged in others. Sometimes the teacher must become the student. I am constantly giving others advice because it is easier to analyze other people's lives than my own. I write as a form of self therapy and often I let my thoughts vanish as soon as they hit the page. It is never too late to hold the mirror to yourself and take time to improve yourself since we all have room for improvement. We are lucky if we have someone else willing to help us.

We should always do things with the best of intentions and not for selfish reasons because when we expect things in return we set ourselves up for disappointment. It is selfish so if you want to always get something back then do things for yourself.  It is easy to be selfish and prideful and let our own wants and needs stand in the way of accepting the efforts of another. It is never easy to admit when we are wrong but we mistakes on a daily basis.

 We can allow society to glamorize love but in reality a relationship takes effort, communication and trust. I don't care how 'easy' any relationship seems, it takes work. Once you get past the newness or honeymoon phase it is a daily task to feed love's hunger.

No matter how much you love someone if they do not meet you halfway, then you are both unfulfilled. We all deserve love but we must not deny ourselves the happiness we are due if the other is not willing to give back.

It is important to maintain your own life so that when you break up you don't have to split up or choose friends. If you just fold into someone else's life and put all of your eggs in one basket you could lose them all. You can share most everything but you must keep something for yourself whether it is a set of friends or a hobby. You can't disappear into the life of another.

Love is euphoric so when it is gone you go through withdrawals as if you quit a drug cold turkey. A buddy of mine mentioned recently how strange it is that we had known each other for 11 years and that when he and his girlfriend of a year broke up, he did not know how to even get through a day without her. When someone is so ingrained in your life then suddenly it is a desolate feeling. 

All relationships take work even the new or easy ones. The engine of a car is like the heart and communication is the oil of the engine. Without communication the engine will get too hot too fast and burn up. Then you have a car without a heart.

Breakups are emotional and if you really love someone then it takes time and space for the rational thoughts to kick in. How, when or why we get to the point of the break up is irrelevant but what we do afterwards is just as important. There is usually a 'misery' phase, an 'anger' phase, a 'what could I have done differently' phase, the 'missing' phase and lastly the 'move on and heal' phase.

No matter how much pain you are in it is not acceptable to hurt back. If it is the only way to get a reaction it is wrong and unhealthy. You can't make anyone do, say or feel what you want. One can only be to you what they allow and you can neither demand nor expect more. You can be the most important thing in someone’s life but not the only thing. No matter how diligent you are when a relationship ends it is almost impossible to remain close right away. You must learn every day life without each other. You learn to be without or you realize it is working fighting for. Either way, there is no point in one person missing out when you can possibly both have your needs meet by another.

Understand the pain you feel will not go away until you process it or block it out and return to it later. It will still be there. If you bounce from one relationship to another without emptying the drain it will begin to overflow. So vent, talk, cry, rant, scream, sit in silence and think about why you are hurt. Listen to music, write, paint, read, exercise, whatever it takes to get the processing over with. Be leery of distractions versus processing though. You can hide, mask skip over, rationalize the pain but it will be there until you deal with it.

You must get though the road block of pain to begin healing time will heal lean on friends and family. It is like mourning a death of a loved one, as it is a death of its own. If you never imagined them being gone, missing, absent from your life...then yes it is like a death.

You may hide in your room and mourn for a while, you have beat yourself up or have a pity party but eventually you must get back out and integrate yourself into life. Most of us have been in a car wreck but even if it takes time, we drive again.

Losing everything allows you to see clearly that you have nothing to lose.

By Trey Mitchell

Beyond Dating Smart

Get Smart

I made a comment to a friend recently that either I have commitment issues or I date women that do. Maybe if I dated women that had commitment issues when I had them as well, then we would both get what we wanted, which is nothing. You can't make someone love you and vice-versa and timing becomes more of an issue the older you get. You can't give what you do not have and you can't depend on someone else to fill in what you are missing. If you are unhappy with yourself take the time to find it for yourself, within yourself. Unhappiness can be contagious since misery loves company. To vent is one thing but to project is another. It is easier to be pulled down than to lift someone up. A life preserver is designed for only one person. Relationships should be an open smooth concrete two-way highway not a rough dirt one lane winding mountain road.

There are so many variables when is comes to dating and the longer we are out there roaming, the heavier the baggage feels. It is like living in one place for a long time and it is not until you move that you realize how much useless stuff you have accumulated. You are lucky if you find someone that truly accepts you along with all of your faults. When you are with someone you must accept all that comes with them whether it is a child or a dog or an ex-husband or ex-wife. As well, it is always said you don't just date them but you date their family. That includes every trait or fault you inherit. I once heard someone say that in your current relationship you must deal with everything that the person they dated before you screwed up. To some degree I concur, since we are a product of our past. That includes insecurities and triggers of past sadness or happiness. Each previous relationship is like a car wreck whether a fender bender or your car was totaled. Otherwise, you would not have moved on. Most of the time we face our fears and climb back into a car and drive again. We might drive with more caution but we still do it. If you fall and hurt yourself do you never try to walk again? I always say it is like looking for your keys and finding them in the last place you looked. Why would you keep looking for them if you already found them? The grass is infinitely greener.

We all have scars but not all are visible. They remain for a reason and I believe it is to remind us that we survived. There is something endearing, triumphant and heroic about survivors. Those that overcome adversity have a strength that others do not possess. Prior to hardship most of us do not even know we have that in us since, it has not been utilized before. I have an attraction to those that have suffered yet risen from being a victim and take pride in being a survivor. Usually those people have a desire to share their stories so that others learn from their mistakes. After all, we can learn from others' mistakes so that we do not make the same. Some will argue that we must all make our own mistakes and I will not argue with that but we can also avoid some by learning from others. At the same time, I only think that we have regrets if we do not learn from those mistakes. I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately, we are often left with questions and not all questions can or must be answered. Sometimes we must find closure for ourselves and not depend on others to provide for us.

Change is difficult when we are not in control of it. So I always strive for minor changes, so that when those that come along that are out of my control I can be better prepared to deal with them. At the same time we each must remain responsible for our actions and understand that our actions affect those around us. Hopefully we learn to have the foresight to be respectful of those in our lives, especially the ones closest to us. What you put out there is what you get back. People respond to how you feel about yourself. If you respect yourself others will notice. Respect from others is earned and not handed out for free. It comes to those that are deserving of it. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. You do not need a mirror to know who you are. All it takes is time with yourself, not by yourself. It is empowering to possess the ability to stand on your own. Often we hide from ourselves in people and things around us. It is easy to be distracted to avoid dealing with some things but when we do face them we can confidence and self-worth.

We are born unbiased and non-judgmental. Unfortunately these are learned behaviors. It is often stated that we enter the world the same way we leave it and coming or going, we have nothing. In the end all we have is our relationships and experiences. Make sure those closest to you know how you feel about them. Do not take any relationship for granted. Make every word and action count. We have no idea how many lives we affect on a daily basis. Seize the day, savor the moment and revel in the possibilities. When you are gone, what is the one thing you want to be remembered for?

   

- Trey Mitchell

Doing It Better

It's easy to view dating with cynical goggles if you've recently gone through even a semi-ugly break-up, or maybe if you're on a string of going-nowhere-relationships. It doesn't mean you're negative by nature- it just means you're human. If you hate the other tenants in your apartment, that's probably not going to be different tomorrow. If you hate your job because it's just not exciting or going anywhere, chances are you're going to hate it for the next 52 Mondays. However, both of these scenarios have a big 'UNLESS' attached to them..."unless you take the stand and make the changes."

What changes can I make in my dating life? you might ask. Let's start with a list of all the things traditionally done poorly.

• We don't learn from past mistakes
• We look for the same people in the same places
• We break-up poorly
• We 'accept' back and forth and back and forth
• We settle.
• We don't give ourselves the space and the 'me' time.

If you made one subtle change in response to each of those items, how would your dating life look over the next year? Would you be happier?

Based on that list, let's brainstorm some quick solutions:  Choose people who bring positive into your life. Stay committed to not meeting people in bars under noisy/cloudy conditions. Ensure long-term intentions/desires match.  Stay firm with no back and forth break-up/back-togethers. Embrace past experiences as events that made you stronger and taught you something about yourself.  Don't let initial attraction over-shadow red flags. Make sure your significant others are meeting all of your needs and not just most of them.

I could brain storm a novel on little nuances that have exponential impact...but you should really make your own list. Tailor the list to YOUR needs and YOUR goals.

Smarter dating can be a concept you invoke to make yourself happier in both the short-term and the long-term. You can start now. You can be smarter and do EVERYTHING BETTER. But most importantly, soak in this (from above): We don't give ourselves the space and the 'me' time.              'Me' time doesn't have to imply a recent break up.  You could be exhausted from work. You could be spinning too many plates. You could be realizing that you're at a point where dating just isn't a huge priority.  That honesty with yourself will pay some dividends. It's never, ever, ever a bad thing to occasionally step away from dating...if for nothing else, just to enjoy life. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your friends. Embrace the foundation around you, and THEN you can let someone special in to enjoy it with you.

Just be smarter...then you can do it better.


~Jake Slivensky

The Superficial Universe

Superficial

A few days ago I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and she called me shallow, which she knows is not true. Well, maybe it is a small part of my personality. I choose to think of myself as more picky than shallow. She said I only like to date beautiful women. I asked why that was a problem and she said that my standards are too high for most women to live up to. She went on to state that there are plenty of other women that are more suited for me that don't look like models. In the moment all I could come up with in my defense was that I am a male and a photographer and that I just can't help it. Upon further thought, I have gathered some information to support my taste in women.

The memorable scene in Beautiful Girls of Paul Kirkwood's (Michael Rapaport) glowing monologue about "supermodels" and "beautiful girls" while surrounded by pinups tacked on the wall: "Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinkin' Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high - full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, and the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's gonna be okay. The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels."

Men will do an immeasurable amount of stupid things for the minutest amount of attention from a beautiful woman. I have certainly gone to extraordinary lengths to acquire the interest of beautiful women. Whether it is a peacock's strut or a lion's roar, or Brad Pitt's sly grin or Dennis Rodman's outrageous antics, we all work with whatever we have to obtain the lofty goal of the arm of the gorgeous female.

Some women are attracted to money and power, others physical stature, some a sense of humor, others the 'bad boy' image and some the artistic mind. Everything we do is to attract a woman. It is like the idea of no such thing as a selfless act. We would be kidding ourselves if we said otherwise. Sure we can convince ourselves that we are career-minded, expressing ourselves or entertaining others but in the end it is always about attracting a woman. It is the way we have been programmed since the beginning of time and it will continue forever.

Think of the images we have seen all of our lives of the sirens of the silver screen archives. Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Rita Hayworth, Sophia Loren, Jean Harlow, Jacqueline Bisset, and Brigitte Bardot all possessed a sensual sexuality that could melt any 45".

Today we have Victoria's Secret, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, Maxim, Stuff and so on. Less is left to the imagination but that same image of smoldering sexuality exists. In a time where Playboy has not only survived but thrived there is no escaping what the masses feed us to fall in love with. It is what we dream of.
Every man has his own version of Eve. Luckily for us, women come in all shapes, sizes and colors! Tall, short, athletic, thin, voluptuous, blond, brunette, redhead, tan, pale...the list is endless. We thankfully live in a Baskin Robbins world and yet still most men will never fully be satisfied with what they have. The American dream is based on settling for nothing less than the best. It is our duty as one living in the most influential and powerful country in the world to strive for more.

Of course this entire physical obsession causes an endless number of issues for the subjects of our desire.
In the same movie, the scene of the bar-room singing of "Sweet Caroline"; and the scene of down-to-earth Gina Barrisano's (Rosie O'Donnell) smart-mouthed put-down monologue about the centerfold beauty myth and unrealistic expectations that guys have about supermodels to Tommy Rowland (Matt Dillon) and high-school grad Willie Conway (Timothy Hutton) "Oh, guys, look what we have here. Look at this, your favorite, oh you like that?...Yeah, that's nice, right? Well, it doesn't exist, OK? Look at the hair, the hair is long, it's flowing. It's like a river. Well, it's a f--king weave, OK? And the t-ts? Please! I could hang my overcoat on them. T-ts, by design, are intended to be suckled by babies. Yeah, they're purely functional. These are silicon city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being so unruly and all. Very vain. This is a mockery, this is sham, this is bulls--t..."

I truly have no counter argument. Men are highly visual and cars, women, boats, motorcycles, etc is what stimulates us mentally more than emotionally. Since the famous poster of Farrah Fawcett there has been no denying my physical attraction to the female form. I am not stating that the way we view women physically is right or wrong, good or bad, fair or not but it is the society we live in. Whether it is natural beauty or all tricks, we all look for women that make our jaw drop and our tongue unroll into the street.
From Chris Rock's HBO special at the Apollo Theater:

"You're all liars.
Masters of the lie, the visual lie.
Look at you.
You got on heels, you ain't that tall.
You got on makeup,
Your face don't look like that.
You got a weave, your hair ain't that long.
You got a Wonderbra on,
your t-tties ain't that big."

The crazy thing is we don't care, lie all you want! So enhance your bust with that special bra, stretch those legs with heels, and make up your face. Bottle that promise. Just remember that we lie too, see what you want to see and believe what you want to believe.

By Trey Mitchell


Sexy at 80

I learned an insanely important life lesson during my sophomore year of college. I was in month 4 of dating Miss-Everything-TTU.  She was tall, gorgeous, homecoming queen, and popular. The more important detail, however, was that we had essentially no interests in common. Not one hobby. Not even a single television show. Outside I was glowing. Inside I was empty and miserable.  But it's funny how the peer pressures we learned about in high school have even more complex dimensions in college. When the big faces on campus- athletes, the fraternity guys, the socialites, etc- are all patting you on the back drooling at your girlfriend, why would anyone want to give that up?

And then it happened. My best friend looked me directly in the eyes and said: Do you even remember the last time you laughed?    Reality ensues.  I had spent 21 years of my life with a deeply innate appreciation of sense of humor; laughing every chance I got. It exuded from all aspects of my life. Yet the second I was asked that question, I was forced to admit that I had just lost 4 months of life for piece of the superficial pie.

Trey's right- we're surrounded by beauty, each generation more than the last. And seeing beauty makes us want beauty. But at what point does it become an obsession? Do we all have a phase where we sacrifice core values so a piece of arm candy can make us feel warm and fuzzy?  I do believe in a perfect world we'd all enjoy a supermodel by our side, but I also believe the most critical factor is where you draw the line. Are you obsessed with all the glamour? Are you obsessed with being noticed? Does your obsession with the social sexiness that surrounds you drive your decisions and purchases: your car, your clothes, your weekend agendas.  Would you eliminate someone, whom your friends might consider a 'great match', from your dating pool because she is merely a 6 or 7?   Have you or someone you know lost their personality trying to keep up with a superficial, socialite scene?  Did I hit a nerve? 

I drafted some tips to help you find some inner peace, or maybe just put things in perspective: take a few minutes to completley separate the worlds. World 1 is your sexy world. Everything in this world is beautiful: models on tv, people downtown, the women in music videos. And you're allowed to date your respective Brad Pitt or Minka Kelly. When you close your eyes in this world, someone is fanning you below the pillars of a statue of yourself.  World 2 is your optimal dating world....and it's foundation is more of a list. It's a list of all the things you need to truly be happy. It's the can't-live-without attributes for your somebody- the person put on the planet for you. Here's the kicker: your optimal dating world has match with your long term needs, which may include kids and family. And if you're roaming the world in hopes Bo Derek walks out of the water and notices you, your clouded goals may be keeping you from true happiness. Once the list is complete, keep it in the back of your head and occasionally revisit it to evaluate the most important aspect at the end of the day: your happiness with your dating life.

40 years from now, we're all going to be sitting pondering the past. We'll be old and wrinkled. Our joints will ache. And we'll have a ton of good memories.  But we won't have silky smooth skin. No perfect hair. And our ears and nose will be larger than they are today. Regardless of our appearances, I will wish a couple good fortunes upon everyone I care about in 2010:  In 40 years when our beauty is gone, we all have the daily pleasure of being with someone whose conversation we adore and who makes us laugh on the hour.  Those are timeless treasures that will outlast every superficial quality Megan Fox can bring to dinner. 

How we live and act and date and value over the next few decades has yet to be seen...so proceed with caution, and remember- 4 decades from now, beauty will be scarce...will you be laughing with a partner? or alone in a rocking chair?


~Jake Slivensky

Men are Stupid- Women are Crazy...or is it vice versa?

Stupid Crazy

Women are crazy and men are stupid. Italians make the best lovers, gay men are all whores, all black men cheat and Brazilian woman are the most beautiful in the world. Now that we have some stereotypes out of the way let's talk about some truths.

As a whole, women are more of an emotional rollercoaster due to monthly hormonal cycles and if they are pregnant the ride is even more intense. Men are less emotional and more reserved with their feelings as we hide them as some badge of strength. We are at opposite ends of the emotional spectrum so it is understandable that we view the opposite sex as almost alien.

So, if one of us has to be labeled then the other must accept the label as well. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard one call the other out and neither deny the other’s stereotype. After all, it is only fair that we share.

Common sense tells us that these are extreme generalizations of the opposite sex. Men can be crazy in our own way and women can be stupid as well. The bottom line is that we express ourselves in very different ways. We must learn to bridge the gap between emotional outpouring and emotional absence. We may be stupid when we do not listen and you may be crazy when you are irrational.

There are far too many advertisements (Pizza Hut, AT&T, Whiskas, Sony), books (She's Come Undone by Wally lamb, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen, songs ('Crazy Bitch' by Buckcherry) and television/movies ('Two and a Half Men', 'Fatal Attraction', 'Single White Female' and most reality shows) that feed into these blind labels. We need more realistic and honest demonstrations of communication and understanding. Women tend to think out loud as where we tend to internalize. Women must take the time to ask questions and we must take the time to not just hear but listen. Usually women tell us what they want and at times we expect them to be mind-readers.

Life is full of choices and we can either accept things or change them. If you care about someone and they constantly hear that they are stupid or crazy, after a while you start to believe it as true. Do not reinforce negativity and defend them and their right to express themselves as they wish. We must take the time to learn when, what, how and why and to communication transparently is the only way.

Would you rather be stupid or crazy?

~TM

I Choose Crazy- Crazy Listening

"We all go a little bit mad somtimes."   Anthony Perkins, Pyshco

Have you ever actually stopped to evaluate how you express yourself? How you listen?  You almost have to give yourself 2 scores for each forum: A score for expressing yourself during times of status quo….And a score for expressing yourself (and listening) during times of real conflict. Do you keep a level head? Do you bottle up and put up barriers? Do you get defensive and turn on attack mode? Some would argue that due to self-bias and ego, a person shouldn’t even be evaluating his or her own skills because we'd all would end up with A’s and B’s. So hold that thought a moment…

Consider the last heated argument you either had or maybe you witnessed within a relationship. It's driven by mutual anger and ends with no resolution. Now imagine that the two people part ways for the evening to respective ‘guys night out’ and ‘ladies night out’. It now becomes easy to picture how stereotypes and rumors spread like a virus.  You’re surrounded by the support and comfort of your bff’s, and the next 30 minutes of verbal release (combined with a stiff drink) is your therapy. The next thing you know- women are crazy, guys are stupid, and all your friends know-so.

Relationship communication has aspects that transcend the mere conversation: The ability to listen; the degree of resolution; the post-talk processing; the commitment to a cause- to name a few.  How much more productive would every single relationship talk be if both parties were committed to Stephen Covey’s Habit #5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. The attribute of being a listener and processer first- and a talker second. Soaking in your partners needs first- and your needs second. It just might be a foundation for a solid resolution.

So where did I take this section? Directly to the cause of listening and being a solid listener for a greater cause. And that cause includes avoiding ugliness, rumors, and stereotypes. Otherwise, we’ll eventually just end up at happy hour talking about how crazy and stupid everyone is…and every person will be fair game.

~JRS

Sex By Number

Sex by Number
We know men are promiscuous by nature. It’s part of the genetic makeup that originally helped men spread their seed. It was different for women, who had to go through having a baby and then nurturing it. Women are genetically programmed to want just one man to help raise their children.

Thus, the age old question always seems to arise at some point in most modern relationships: ‘How many partners have you had?’

So with this question in mind I researched to find the average number of sexual partners for men and women. The first statistic and most commonly found on the Internet states that the average number of sexual partners for men in USA is 11. Upon further research I found contradicting information.

A 2005 survey states the average number of sexual partners for women was 8.6. The average number for men was 31.9.

A 2007 survey states that 29 percent of American men report having 15 or more female sexual partners in a lifetime, while only 9 percent of women report having sex with 15 or more men.

In a 2008 survey 21 percent of the men and 15 percent of the women admitted they had lied and/or they had provided an inaccurate partner count.

So how can any of these surveys possibly reflect true average numbers?

At one point I actually found a calculator to tell you if you are over or under average in your respected sexual numbers: http://www.calculatorslive.com/Average-Number-Of-Sexual-Partners-Calculator.aspx

So do men lie to inflate their sexual reputations or do women lie to downplay their sexual experience?

A man may believe that he should have a lot of partners and may feel compelled to exaggerate. However, a woman, believing that she should have fewer partners, may minimize her past.

Women are said to rely more on enumeration and most often are able to list each of their past partners by name which typically leads to underestimating while men tend to be more vague which leads to exaggeration.

So with all of this in mind, does the number of sexual partners have any bearing on a current relationship?

In my opinion nothing good can come of this discussion. The past can cloud the future so why ruin a mostly sunny forecast?

It is the snowball effect. First you compare numbers, and then you open the door for more curiosity on every level. More and more questions come to mind and suddenly insecurities arise. The past may be the pathway that lead to where you are now but the now is more relevant to the future.

Sex is not a competition. You neither win nor lose with a higher or lower number of partners. It never worked out with anyone you were previously with or you would still be with them. Focus on the one you are with and develop, explore, experiment and revel in every moment. There is no point in missing what you already had when you might be missing out on what you have right now.

No matter what the number, if you count backwards you still reach number one. That is who you are with now and who doesn’t want to be number one!?

 ~TM

What's in a Number?

Let's pretend you're at day 180 of a relationship, and you're extremely happy. On that random night, you feel compelled to playfully ask 'the question'..."What's your number? No, not your digits- your number." Before those words are mumbled, I'd implore you to silently ask yourself a different question: What good can possibly come out of knowing??

Ultimately, I believe there is only 1 clause that gives the nod of approval for proceeding with 'the # question': If you could 150% guarantee yourself that NO MATTER WHAT THE NUMBER IS (5 vs 50 or 11 vs 89), and that you would never look at your partner differently...then I might reluctantly give a green flag. Since I'm not sure you could always keep that promise, I'm inclined to promote moving to a new inquiry- perhaps, favorite movies or where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Let's be honest- promiscuity, to some degree, is global. I don't care if you're male or female, college-aged or post 40, or even if youre white, black, red, brown, or purple- you've had moments of lost inhibitions and prolific intimacy....even if it exists in a world recently defined as Melrose Pub by a 23 y/o female: "I haven't been slutty, but I've been a total makeout whore lately."

We're all grown-ups here, regardless of how frequently we attend happy hour or how many nights we play kickball. We make our own choices. and then we have to live with them. If you found periods of comfort or fun in multiple partners during periods of singleness or summertime madness, you were entitled to do so. But if you don't want your partners to judge you on all your encounters, you hardly get to be judge and jury on someone else's. Which brings us back to 'knowing'. What good can come out of it? Is it piece of mind? is it a comfort issue? Does it make you feel as if you know your partner better? Could you live the rest of your life not knowing and be ok with it?

I can see certian arguments for a person's perorgative of knowing. For example, if sex is sacred in your dating life, and you can count your partners on 1 hand, I could see how your partners' sex life of the past is important. But couldn't you argue that about a person's entire past? Because in the end, you're not just talking about numbers- you're also talking about decisions. And many decisions are regretted. And many decisions also granted us lessons learned and made us better people. So if youre going to go digging up skeletons in the closet, you might want to make sure you dig up the whole story- or just keep some doors closed and locked....and enjoy the here and now.

I'm going to close by recalling the famous folk tale of Chasing Amy. A story which outlined an escalating relationship between Holden and Alyssa- until Holden found out about her past...and just couldn't handle it.  Trey cited the moral of the story perfectly- focus on the 'here and now' with your partner, and work to create brand new exciting experiences.

~JS